Back and Better than Ever!

Man…that was quite the setback in terms of feeling so crappy for so many days. But I am SO glad to be back and reading and posting again. Still feel a little bit behind on sleep, but the sore throat and overall “flu like” feeling is gone…YAY!

It’s August 12th, so we all know what that means for my journey in August!!! Woo hoo )

More later (I hope – been under deadline all day on a project for work), but I’m sneaking a few peeks at so many wisdom-filled and awesome posts!!!

Later…

MG

Off the Grid…But NOT Drinking!!!

I have been snuggled under the covers for the last few days, fighting some kind of end of summer cold, or perhaps it’s just my body telling me to slow down and get some REST!!! But I’m pretty sure it’s more than just that because I have a sore throat, body temp going from way too hot to way too cold, plus just a super yukky feeling. I have continued to work, but if I had to be truthful, I have done only the bare minimum of what HAD to be done, and slept as often as humanly possible. I have MISSED reading the blogs and commenting, and even reading comments on MY blog, but it literally took every piece of strength I had to walk myself to the laptop and get it down so that I could pump out this one post.

I just don’t want ANYONE thinking that I’m back out drinking. All I’m drinking is lots of hot tea with honey, and eating toast with honey. AND homemade chicken soup. Yep – even with feeling how crappalicious that I feel, somehow I cranked out some homemade chicken soup last night b/c it is ALL I could even CONSIDER eating. I grilled some thin pieces of chicken on the stovetop grill, using olive oil, salt, pepper, and rosemary, and then chopped into small pieces. My broth had chicken stock along with a roux that I made. Oh, and when I put water in the grillpan to get it ready for cleaning (no detergent yet!), I used that water with all the bits and pieces of yumminess from the bottom to put into the broth. Chopped up carrots, celery, onions and green onions, along with mushrooms. A bit of marsala cooking wine (alcohol free from the cooking aisle) and various herbs and spices. Made some wild rice and added that. Voila. A bone warming bit of heaven.

Hopefully this shit will be gone by tomorrow and I can do more of a proper hello, and also take some time to feed my guilty reading pleasures out here!!!

Peace out,

MG

Loud Music and Steep Stairs

Well…I DID survive my first concert without my old friend Char Don Nay. Let’s see – the last concert I went to without drinking was…one about 2 years ago that did not serve any alcohol. That makes sense. I will say that I did better than survive last night, but I am not going to get all glittery with rainbows about it, because as I have read about others’ experiences like this, there is a word that always resonated with me. I felt FLAT. I was excited and giddy and did lots of chair dancing, but always in the back of my mind, I felt just a bit off. My inhibitions felt like they took over my body, and I felt a bit self conscious and anxious.

We were there for about 4 hours, between getting there, listening to opening act, changeover to main act, main act performing and encores. I did actually go TO the bar before it started, ordering a sugar free Red Bull for me and water for hubby. Did I have a fleeting thought that I could suck down a glass of wine real quick without hubby noticing? Of course. Did I consider buying a mixed drink and saying it was club soda/cranberry? Absolutely. But wouldn’t *I* know? Isn’t that the ultimate deciding factor? Well, yes it is. Honesty with myself is of the utmost importance.

Some random rememberings about the evening. The music was LOUD. Hubs even brought ear plugs for himself (he used to roadie at concerts so his ears have taken damage years ago). It was all general admission; there was a giant floor section, and then regular seats. Back in the day, I would have gone straight to the floor – we would have only been about 4 deep when we got there. Nah…seats sounded much better. But DAMN those stairs were steep – and no handrails. I’m sure many a person has done a faceplant there, and I was glad it wasn’t me. Like I said, I did a lot of chair dancing…not many people were standing, and I did not have that uninhibited “look at me” mentality that I usually have.

Funny how you think you know EVERY song from a group – but then they play, and you realize you only know about 1/3 of them. Despite my feeling of “flatness”, I also had a sense of pride and accomplishment. I was glad that my hubs didn’t make a big deal out of me not drinking. He did once ask if I was okay, but probably b/c I wasn’t my usual drunken outgoing self. I’m sure the outgoing-ness on my own will come back in time. We got home at midnight and thankfully, the energy drink did NOT screw with my sleep. I was asleep within about 30 minutes, though 5 AM came awful early to wake up daughter for work. Was able to go back to sleep until about 8:30 and then started my day.

Have not accomplished as much as I would like to so far today, but there are plenty of hours ahead. And I guess I’ll continue to give myself pats on the back for last night’s accomplishment, and also just for re-starting this journey. What has helped the ABSOLUTE most has been continuous interaction with the sobersphere. Pen pals. Reading blogs. Commenting on blogs. Feeling blessed to receive comments on MY blog. You do not know how much those kind words mean to me. Your support motivates and encourages me and helps me make it through another day. THANKS!

Careful…There is Some “WHINE”ing in this Post

Wah, wah, wah. Why is it that the week of Belle’s class that work multiplies by about 127 and I am in full prep mode for my first day teaching the little ones on Sunday, and we are heading out to a concert tonight, and I can’t sleep to save my freakin’ life lately, and I am feeling anxious and grumpy and tired and all of the terrible things you are not supposed to get to b/c they may trigger a drink.

For some reason, Wolfie has not called out to me yet…with the exception of Saturday night. I know he is out there…lurking, hiding, waiting for the right time to skulk up behind me and whisper in my ear. Don’t worry Wolfie, my guard is UP. I know you do not give up so easily and you are probably have a silly grin on your face thinking that you have already beaten me…but you haven’t. You see, I am in control of this shit. Me and me alone, so you can take your sorry ass wolfish grin and those beady little eyes and SHOVE IT. Don’t even think about coming near me tonight or you will regret it.

Yep – that’s what all of these emotions have done to me today – just made me a little bit mean. But it’s all good – better mean than drinking.

I would just about kill for a nap right now, but instead I guess it will be a quick shower so we can head out to the concert. Just me and the hubs (who doesn’t drink) so no plans to drink…although I’m not gonna lie…not sure when I last saw a show sober was. Can I even dance without alcohol? I sure hope so, and if not, oh well. I would contemplate a Monster Energy drink, except I have a headache on top of all this and I think that would make it worse.

Probably the shortest post I’ve ever written and some of you are probably breathing a sigh of relief! Yay – for once she hasn’t written something equivalent to the length of War & Peace. Ha ha.

Looking forward to a FUN evening once I figure out if I even own anything hip and happening so I can go shake my groove thang 🙂

Peace out,

MG

Ordinary vs. Extraordinary

I had forgotten how much I have difficulty falling asleep during the early days of not drinking. Believe me – NO caffeine after about noon or so anymore, but last night, I simply could not get to sleep, even knowing that I had to wake up at 6:15 this morning. I tossed and turned and just couldn’t seem to shut my brain off. I also know that using technology after 9 PM or so is not good for me – and with getting home so late last night, I wanted to make sure I got a post in so no one would think I was “off the grid.” Also was able to send out a couple of emails, and of course I had to catch up on Facebook and Twitter 🙂

I’m thinking I may have actually been overtired b/c honestly, I was ready for bed at 8 PM. Instead, hubby and I watched some TV while daughter was working on school stuff for the upcoming year at a friend’s house. What I should have done is say to my hubs: “Ya know what honey. I am just uber tired right now and need to sleep. Do you mind waiting up for XXX to be sure she is home?” Easy peasy, and I 100% know he would have said ABSOLUTELY, but I felt this “obligation” to spend some time with him since daughter and I were gone much of the day. Dumb, dumb, dumb. At least I can recognize it now, and know what to do in the future. And a bad night’s sleep not drinking is BETTER than ANY night’s sleep that is associated with alcohol.

So what’s on tap for the day? Appreciated the awesomeness of coffee as I peeked out at a sky that was tinted with shades of pink and purple. Cooked the casseroles and got them to the school at 7:15 AM. Have done 2 loads of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher and tackled another cabinet. Just went through my inbox for work and so far, looks like a relatively decent day. Just read a few awesome blog posts and made some comments. Making a “to do” list for the day which includes 45 minutes on the treadmill. Have some awesome pen pals whom I will send emails to in a bit. And it’s only 9 AM! I’m having an ordinary day, but I’m gonna make it extraordinary!!!

Back to my morning check-ins b/c I need to TURN OFF MY BRAIN at night in order to get a good night’s sleep! Speaking of…a nap may be on the to do list for my lunch hour!

Peace out,

MG

Praise the Lord for Not Drinking

Holy shit – there is absolutely NO way I would have made it through the day if I had been drinking last night. First of all, NEVER AGAIN Coke Zero. What was I thinking having caffeine after 9 PM?!? I think I finally fell asleep at 3 AM or so and had to be up at 7:30 AM. From there, my daughter and I did our volunteer gig in the two year old room at church, and all went incredibly smoothly.

After that, we went to Church Service, meeting up with hubby. Then, he headed back home, and my daughter and I went to an outdoor lunch for the volunteers. That would have been HELL with a hangover as it was about 90 degrees. After that, all of us went into the auditorium for a kick off rally for the new year. Again, I could only imagine the panic attack I would have had in a hot, crowded room. I have to say that our church knows how to do it RIGHT. We are part of that “rock band” type church, and they led us in an inspiring, exciting and got us ready for the smaller meeting. When I signed up, I honestly was looking to be more of a “helper.” Well guess what?!? I am the LEAD teacher for a class of 2 year olds with several teenage volunteers. I am excited, scared, motivated, and also moved spiritually. It feels like my life is coming together how it’s supposed to.

We finally got home at 3:30 or so, and from there it was putting together furniture, and doing some cleaning and laundry. I was able to tackle a few more drawers that were making me crazy…figure if I do a few here and there, this whole house might be clean/organized sometime in the near future! On to dinner making…made lamb for the first time ever, and I have to say, it turned out amazing. I seared them in a stovetop grill pan, and then made a peach/mint/jalapeno salsa to go with them. A couscous salad with mint, tomato, cucumber and red onion was added, as well as some steamed broccoli. YUMMY. So glad I tackled lamb, but didn’t realize how much fat it had, so that will NOT be on a regular menu rotation in this household!!! From there, it was clean up time, and FINALLY I am able to log on here to say that it was an amazing day, probably one of the best in a long, long time. I actually found myself praying coming home from the grocery store – literally talking out loud to God to thank him for the direction he has given me and to continue to help me on my journey. I understand that not everyone has a higher power, and that’s because we are all different, but I did find myself feeling a sense of relaxation and spirituality today.

Chilling out now with the hubster, and sipping on a club soda with a splash of strawberry/watermelon sparkling water. Not a fleeting thought today…but I KNOW that will not always be the case. So what I need to do is what I’m doing. Keep checking in here and reading/commenting/writing. Continue my new friendships with my pen pals. Make some quiet time for myself. Make a plan if/when I need to. Realize how much BETTER everything is, even at less than a week.

Gonna fall asleep EARLY tonight b/c I have to be up at 6:15 AM to pop two casseroles in the oven to bring to the school for the teacher’s breakfast tomorrow morning. Would that be possible if I were hungover? Yes. Would that be enjoyable if I were hungover? Hell to the no! So here’s to tomorrow!!!

So again, thanks to everyone for everything! I hate that this reads so much like a diary, and sometimes I get a little wierded out that someone I know might “find” me. And ya’ know what I figured out – if they find me, what does that say about them, searching on blogs about getting sober? So I continue to share and will try to get deep every once in awhile 🙂

MG

Patting Myself on the Back

When we accomplish things, whether big or small, I honestly don’t feel like we give ourselves enough credit. We seem to minimize the victories, and I gotta tell you, I’m just gonna shout from the rooftop on this one. I made it through a “dinner with another couple that I ALWAYS drink with” tonight. And not just dinner, but we were at their house for FIVE HOURS.

I’m not gonna lie – it was hard. Was the not drinking part hard? Today, not in the least. Not one smidgen of me wanted even the teeniest tiniest sip of alcohol. Okay – after I was asked for about the 6th time if I was SURE I didn’t want to have a glass of wine, it was tempting to just have one to shut them up. Ha ha, just one, right?!? At that point, that’s when I felt like I started to stick to my guns to prove to myself that I COULD have a plan and keep with it. I brought a sparkling coconut water with me in a bottle that I nursed on for most of the night. On one of the offers for a glass of wine, I said no, but you don’t happen to have a diet coke, do you? They did not – but they had a Coke Zero, which I said sounded great. It was not great. It was not even fine. It was disgusting. But that was probably better b/c that way it lasted the rest of the night. Sometimes when I’m not drinking I will bring a bunch of yummy sparkling waters and then I look like a camel who can’t get enough water.

While wife and I went to pick up the food (it didn’t help that her and hubs were fighting), she asked again if I was sure I didn’t want a glass of wine with dinner . I said something like “you know me – it’s never just one glass – I’d have 12 glasses and I just have too much going on tomorrow.” Her response. “Well, you could just have 2 or 3.” I said, “It’s no big deal. I’m just not gonnna drink tonight.” And she said “Man. I admire you. I can’t think of the last evening I didn’t have at least ONE drink.” To that I think I countered with something like “I still want you to have fun and enjoy yourself. Just because I’m not drinking doesn’t mean that you can’t!” And it was done for then, until we got back to their house, and a few more asks of me, and finally, I guess they left it alone.

Now some may wonder, why in the world would I EVER put myself in a position this early on to have dinner with a couple that I used to drink heavily with? One that I’m not quite sure has seen me without a glass of wine in my hand more than a few times. A couple that between them had at least 3 bottles of wine, and possibly more – hard to tell b/c one had red and one had white. I don’t CARE how much they drank – I cared how much I did NOT drink. So anyways, we had actually arranged the dinner to talk about some financial stuff – I don’t want to get into the details, but something that they were possibly selling that we were hoping to buy. That never even came up once. My hubs lightly brought it up while wife and I were picking up food, but other hubs was a little evasive, so it was dropped. We are thinking that perhaps wife wants to sell the item and hubs doesn’t. Whatever happens, happens.

These are honestly two of my favorite people in our neighborhood. I absolutely adore them both, and we have always had a special friendship with them. The worst part of the evening was the feeling that I was making THEM uncomfortable by not drinking. Honestly, I think I was just as funny if not funnier than I normally am. They were laughing at all I was saying, and we even did some chair dancing (which I do have to admit I had a fleeting thought that it is much harder sober than loosened up).

On the way home, I told hubby, I’m not gonna lie to you – THAT WAS HARD!!! But he told me he was super proud of me and that I did a great job. And then, as proud as I was of myself, I am even PROUDER of my daughter.

I had texted her to ask when she was coming over and I got back “At XXX’s house – long story.” Well, we got home at 11:30 and she still wasn’t home so I called her. I got a text back immediately saying “Talking to XXX’s parents; will tell you when I head home.” She then called me before she left to let us know she was on her way. We got the story when she got home. Basically, she got a call at about 9:30 from XXX who was at a party and needed a ride home. Turns out, XXX was WASTED. My daughter had to stop to get gas and XXX got out of the car and puked in the bushes. My daughter got her a cup in case she needed to throw up again, and thank goodness, XXX has good aim. They got to the neighborhood and ran into another of their friends and together, they tried to at least help to make XXX look somewhat coherent before dropping her off at home. No use. They took her in and my daughter explained the situation as best she could, and left her friend in the care of her parents.

I kept thinking to myself – what if this story had been reversed? What if we had been the ones to receive a daughter who was drunk (and possibly high) and puking her guts out? I just felt such an incredible rush of pride in my daughter, and even though it was hard to do, I also gave myself some credit. Somehow I have done something right over all these years. I think my biggest fear is that she doesn’t want to drink because she doesn’t want to turn out like me. Even if that is the case, I HAVE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT because I raised her well. So after watching an adorable video on my friend’s blog, I am going to give myself a positive affirmation again – I DID SOMETHING RIGHT.

Hope you don’t mind, Jackie, that I shared the video. It really meant a lot to me watching it today and it feels good to talk nicely to myself!

Everyone have a great day/evening wherever you are!!!

MG

All this Energy is Awesome!!!

I cannot believe how much energy I had today! It was just one of those days when I got everything done and then some. And compared to so many days this past month when I have accomplished NOTHING, it is just such a great feeling. What I love is that I don’t feel like I overdid anything. I went at my own pace the entire day and now I’m able to get some downtime in.

Had a great night’s sleep, although I felt a little groggy upon first waking up. Made some coffee and forgot how amazing it was. When I am hungover, I can NOT drink coffee. The only thing that will do is an ice cold diet coke. I know water is better for me, but I need that sweet, syrupy cold liquid to quench my thirst. But making Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and using yummy creamer got my day off to a great start. After my daughter went to work, I started on some things that needed to be done.

1) Made two casseroles for the teacher’s breakfast on Monday. Now when I signed up for this a few weeks ago, my sick and twisted mind was thinking that I would make them Sunday night, which meant that of COURSE I would have some wine while making them. I bet they turn out much better having made them sober.

2) Went on a cleaning FRENZY. It is amazing how you start to look at things with new eyes. The dirt and grime in some of my kitchen drawers has somehow been invisible to me, but while cooking, I realized that some of the areas needed a major overhaul! Got out the Greased Lightning (love that stuff) and cleaned out several drawers. Probably could have made a meal with the crumbs – JK – it wasn’t THAT bad – but the feeling of accomplishment is awesome. Then I tackled the cabinets in the laundry room. How did they get so bad? How were they THAT unorganized? On to washing all kitchen towels and pot holders so I could put CLEAN ones back in the newly cleaned drawer. My goal is to tackle a few small areas a day. NOT to overwhelm myself like I can tend to do.

3) Tackled the tupperware cabinet. Made sure that every freakin’ bottom had a top, and threw away anything that didn’t. Now when I say tupperware, it’s’ more like those clear round things that Chinese to go soup comes in. But I was also saving containers that said on the label what was in them (example parmesan cheese – not the big green bottle, but the Sargento stuff). Then I would think that I had parmesan cheese, when actually there were leftovers in there. So tossed those and it is all nice and neatly organized!

4) Ran some errands, got some things straightened out at the bank (I had no idea we had fallen under our minimum balance for our account by $100 and we were getting charged $12 per month. I just wanted to get it up to the minimum, and believe it or not, they waived the past fees for me. Missed the UPS store by 5 minutes (was hoping to mail my sister’s birthday present) – DAMN. Oh well. C’est la vie.

5) Let me just tell you – holy SHIT – our house smells amazeballs!!! If you are familiar with Bath and Body Works, they have their air freshener refills on sale right now; normally $6.50 each, but they are 6 for $24. When Belle gives homework, she advises that we treat ourself to something as a reward for not drinking. With my cleaning frenzy this morning and three days of not drinking, I decided that the perfect treat would be a few of those. Of course I over-rewarded myself by buying the six, BUT (insert note – alcoholic is rationalizing), I only used two of them now so that is a reasonable reward. Plus I have 4 more to use when these are out, and they are stored in a nice litle container in my clean laundry room cabinet. What I like is that the scent downstairs is a constant reminder of rewarding myself for not drinking. The Mahogany Teakwood scent is amazing, as well as the Pumpkin Cupcake (saving that for October). Oh and they had the spice smelling ones for $3 each, FYI.

6) Did a little laundry, used some of that washing machine cleaning stuff (does anyone have any home remedies for that?) I tried something with vinegar once and that made it worse.

7) Throughout the day, had some correspondence with some of my pen pals. Love the online anonymity of it, and I am a much better writer than a talker.

8) Thinking I’m going to get on the treadmill for about 45 minutes and watch something mindless, then take a long, hot shower.

EDIT NOTE: Got it in!!!

Thanks for letting me “back in”! Tomorrow I won’t be able to be on until much later in the day – we will be at the church from about 8:30 AM until 2:30 PM for a volunteer thing. Did I tell y’all my daughter and I work with little ones on Sunday mornings for the 9 AM service? It was something that I didn’t even realize was missing until we started doing it, but let me tell you, those cutie pies are one of the highlights of my week every Sunday and I love the bonding time with my daughter as well!

Whew…hugs across the sobersphere!!!

MG

Getting Back in the Groove

Oh how I remember these first few days. Day One is always the hardest, but it’s in the past, and now ALL I HAVE TO DO is not drink today. That’s it. That’s all I have to promise. You’d think that after so many Day Ones I would know how sucky they feel…the whole cycle simply amazes me how crazy it all is. But…I got a good night’s sleep last night. I woke up with that tired feeling, but not hungover – a different kind of need for sleep. I already read two chapters in my book and paid bills with today’s paycheck. I’ve completed a few small tasks for work and made a list for the day. I’ve emailed my buddy Belle to get back in the challenge. I read a few blog posts and made a few comments. I started to make a grocery list for when I go there later. Hmmmm…I probably accomplished more in the past few hours than in the past few weeks!

All joking aside, I have to really just scratch my head to figure out the “whys” of it all. Why after so many days of not drinking and feeling SO good and feeling SO proud would I ever go back to the enemy? It truly is like this god awful lover that you have to fight so hard to get rid of. They promise you so many things, but the promises are empty. Life is hard and no amount of wine will make it easier long term. Maybe it feels good for a little bit – but it is all there the next day, and then some. And once you get back into the cycle of drinking more nights than not, it just gets worse and worse.

A friend of mine sent me an email about gratitude and that is something I really need to focus on. I have SO MANY things to be thankful for and I need to do a better job of focusing on the positive. I need to wake up in the morning being grateful for not drinking the day before and asking for guidance to get through the day. Then, the evening needs to end with thanks for making it through the day.

The “AA Nazi” (as I call her) once texted me in all caps that I CANNOT JUST CREATE MY OWN PROGRAM. IT WILL NOT WORK. I think that is 100% bullshit. My thought process is that MY JOURNEY is a mixture of various programs/activities. I do enjoy the AA meetings, but I’m still not 100% all in on their complete program. I know that MANY have gotten sober from it, and I appreciate many aspects of it, but there are some pieces that I struggle with a bit and that’s okay. I think that the Women for Sobriety program is INCREDIBLY positive and empowering; there are no face to face meetings in my area, but there is plenty of literature and a great website. Obviously, the sober blogging world is a place where I can feel I can be one million percent comfortable baring my soul because you guys don’t live in my city, at least that I know of – well one of you does 🙂 I plan to do a MUCH better job of keeping in touch with my sober pen pals, and if anyone would like to be one, my email address is in my profile. There is the Bible, volunteer work, working out, and relaxation time. I need to practice self care and that is going to include some times when I am going to have to say “no” if it’s an activity that REVOLVES around alcohol.

As I’m reading what I’m writing, I realize I’ve said all this before. So what is different this time? For starters, I like that Day 1 was on August 1st. That sure makes it easier to keep track of for the first 30 days! For another, I had an awakening that made me realize that the fact that I thought my drinking really only affected me was total bullshit.

I feel like I’m back “home” and I’m so happy to be here amongst my friends. Friends who GET ME and can read my ramblings and make some sense of them because they have been there. Thanks for the kind words to welcome me back!

Back on the Grid

Yes…I have been gone…WAY longer than intended. My blissful alcohol-free vacation was amazing…and then I entered back into reality and was totally fine…for a few days. You know what happened. I don’t need to tell you. There was that *one* occasion where I figured it would be okay to just have a glass of wine, and I did. And so on, and so on, and so on.

So with my tail between my legs, I am re-entering the world of blogging and will respond to the kind emails from some of my sober pen pals who were sweet enough to recognize my absence. It truly amazes me how much I tend to ISOLATE at the exact time that I should be SEEKING HELP. I may be the only AA member who only had a sponsor for 10 days; a mutual decision on both of our parts. It feels like such a Catch 22 – until I have the alcohol out of my system for a good 30 days I’m really just not that willing to talk to anyone. But I would have to guess that talking to someone would help TO get it out of my system. When I ‘fessed up to my slip, she was quite kind and non-judgmental. Her response was basically “You’re just not ready to let the alcohol go yet.” I did make a point to go to the 8 AM meeting on the day that she received her two year chip. I was hungover as all hell, but I wanted to let her know that she means a lot to me and that I am oh so proud of all of her accomplishments.

Well, I have had enough of this bullshit and something that I am not quite ready to share has truly made me believe that I AM ready to let it go. It wasn’t anything horrible like a DUI or causing harm to someone or losing my job or my husband – but when I do become ready to share, you will surely know how it impacted me. Ironically, even after I had the discovery, I continued to drink for several days, I guess trying to figure out whether I could continue to rationalize and/or control my drinking and did I really think I was that bad. My hunch – if we even WONDER if we are “that bad”, then we are. And I don’t say bad in a way where I am putting myself down – I just think that I better understand the extent of my problem and what I need to do about it.

I remember when Belle quit drinking, she called it “Dry July” (I’m pretty sure it was her!). I have decided to take on this month as “Alcohol Free August”. Just 30 FUCKING days and then I can keep moving on to get to that illusive 100 days that I have seen so many of my awesome friends achieve, and so many who are OH SO CLOSE. I had to make a few small changes that I hope will help. I am still on Twitter (two accounts – one for recovery related stuff) and though I don’t post much, I enjoy what I read. I had to CHANGE the settings on my blog function. I had it set up to where I was getting EVERY SINGLE NEW POST AND NEW COMMENT ON EVERY BLOG I FOLLOW. When I checked AOL email this morning, I had almost 1000 emails. That would make it next to impossible to be able to see the few that were actual individual emails to ME. I still can’t seem to figure out how to get AOL mail on my phone which to me makes no sense. Still working on that which would be a huge help b/c I need to be able to reach out when I need to since I’m not always on my PC/

I’m tired of this all or nothing crap. I haven’t been to the gym in about a month – and that sucks – but THIS is the most important thing right now. That will follow. I am tired of talking to myself in a way that I would NEVER talk to others. I am ready to get on with my life and I think I am officially sick and tired of being sick and tired. I started reading “Goodbye Hangovers, Hello Life” by Jean Kirkpatrick, the founder of Women for Sobriety. Boy is it a great book. I was a little turned off by the first few chapters where she describes all of the bad things that were happening to her because of course I kept thinking “that hasn’t happened to me.” And then I would think to myself “yet.”

But then she gets into the meat and potatoes of it all and the writing is geared towards WOMEN alcoholics, though I think it is brilliant stuff for ANYONE. I still plan on starting up AA meetings again – it has been hard b/c most mornings I am either hungover or I have to wake up my daughter for work. I know – she is 16 and should be getting herself up at 8 AM – but let me cross that bridge at a later date. School starts next week, so since she leaves a little after 7:30, I can get back into that routine.

I wish I had the time to go back through and comment on all of the awesome blog posts that I read today, and I still have many more to read…but I will be more active in the future. I will get myself back into a morning routine, getting my day on track by reconnecting with so many of you who are out there who are “like me.”

As they say, it truly is one day at a time. That’s all I have to worry about is today. Perhaps I have overwhelmed myself in the past by thinking too far ahead. My longest stretch has been 28 days, and this time I am DETERMINED to beat that and then why not keep going? Life is hard, but it surely doesn’t get any easier by burying your head in a bottle.

So…as I take a deep breath, I am ready to send. I am scared because even worse than disappointing myself is disappointing others, but I just have to believe in myself. I can do this. Life is too short and I need to seize the day and get excited about tomorrow. You guys mean more to me than you will EVER know. Thank you for just being there to listen b/c I needed to get this off my chest.