So…just got back from seeing my therapist and told her of all of these new and exciting things. And cried, and cried, and cried. And she listened and gave great advice and it feels good getting that weight off of my shoulder. It’s a whole new ball of wax when my secret is out there – and now it’s not just my secret, but my plans for burying this secret. Burying isn’t the right word – my plans to live my new life and let go of the past. She reminded me that my tears are of grief – I am losing something that has been what I *thought* was a comfort so long, even when I knew it really wasn’t anymore.
But letting go is hard – and I need to be gentle with myself and make sure I take extra good care of me. I am lucky that I have two full weeks off from work coming up – no vacation plans – just time to do projects around the house and tackle some long neglected to do lists. Time to get in some extra exercise and take the time to cook and eat even healthier than usual. Curl up on the porch and read. Watch some mindless guilty pleasure TV and REMEMBER everything that happens. Experiment with some new drinks, sans the poison of course.
Yep – have just decided I am never going to call it the *a* word again…from now on it’s name is poison. For too long it poisoned my body and my mind. Cost me relationships, confidence and freedom. Enslaved me to a life that was controlled by it. Now my mind and body will be nourished with good food, water, plenty of reading, exercise, days in the sunshine…all that good stuff that gets put to the side when you are trying to figure out when you will be able to take in your next dose of poison.
It’s out there with YOU too…whoever you are who may have accidentally stumbled across my ramblings. I can only promise to be 100% true – true to me and true to you. I am not stupid enough to think this will be some kind of easy thing. I know for a fact that real feelings are going to start to surface and I am going to have clear judgment to get through some of the difficult things in life.
I’m ready. I’m here. No one could tell me if/when I was ever going to be ready, but I’m glad I paid attention to all of the signs. It seemed like every time I turned on a TV show, the primary plot focused on consuming of that damned poison. Ads were everywhere – was I a magnet to see all the ridiculous advertising for something that will eventually kill you? Unless you’re one of *those* – are there really people who can enjoy one glass of red wine, I mean poison, each day for their heart health? Unless my glass was about 1000 ml, it surely wasn’t me.
So…I will slowly but surely immerse myself in the community. I left my first comment on a blog I have admired today. I have opened up to myself, to you, and my therapist. In time, there will be more, but for now, all I can do is have my plans for the day and accomplish those plans.
Finishing up work, then some time on the treadmill and then it is dinner time. Happy one day poison-free anniversary – well at least I’m 18 hours in. Baby steps…