It’s almost ironic to me that on my last day of drinking (yesterday) I didn’t “go out with a bang”. I didn’t get wasted, I don’t have a hangover and I have mixed feelings on that. Part of me thinks – man – if I was feeling like total shit today, I would always remember how bad it made me feel. Another part of me feels that a goodbye to alcohol did not DESERVE a last hurrah – it is much better this way. It’s almost like I took it out to a nice restaurant and politely said goodbye – no hard feelings – but you have done me too much harm to go back to you. Yet another part of me is glad to feel as if I won’t have that anxious feeling I was starting to get at 5 PM.
Am I scared? Fuck yes. Will I tell my therapist today? Yep. Will I tell my husband and daughter? Nope – not yet. Things just need to come in time. But it was amazing to wake up feeling energized and drive my daughter to school and have my coffee and start working without going back to bed and feel excited about the day. I feel as if I have untied a rope to something that had me by the toes. I feel as if there is no looking back, and as Jason says, no regret or missing it. When there was a segment on a morning talk show about an actress playing a “drunk” I didn’t get a cringe like I usually do, relating myself to her. Because that is not me.
So again, am I scared? Yep. And I’m not even at true “Day One”. Not even gonna count days as Jason says. Just remember this date – October 15th – my liberation and my freedom. I’m probably gonna have to do a lot more blogging/journaling than I have been. Because this is where I can speak openly and freely and those who are seeing it are those who can relate – and from whom I am sure I will get support.
I’m already visualizing my sparkly beverage while I’m making dinner tonight. I was smart and got rid of all of what I really like. I’m okay with having some merlot and moscato and riesling in the house. If I happen to open up that bottle of merlot I will know I have gotten WAY back on the wrong track. Even as I sipped on my wine last night, I realized that it really does not taste all that great. I think I started to see it as the poison it truly is.
Seriously – if I were to continue down the path I was on, I would have continued to gain weight, my health was going to deteriorate (hello liver – hope you enjoy the new fluids going into you!), I would have had a really hard time with a teen in the “scary years” if I wasn’t present enough to be there. Eventually, my depression would have grown worse and worse.
Yep – so many things that the piece of shit did to me and I am glad to have kicked him/it to the curb. Back to work, but wanted to quickly check in.