I have been keeping a private blog for some time now – but have decided I need to be part of the sober community. I am not bold enough or brave enough to post my pictures or share names or do what some of the blog writers I follow do. But I am ready to take the next step and have decided that I cannot do this alone. So I am starting this new public blog. Yes – very cryptic and you won’t find out too much about me b/c I’m really spooked that someone I know might stumble upon this and know who I am. But I will give just enough info to let you into my life and I hope to share yours. I will copy/paste one more post from my old blog, and from now on, it all goes in here. No sense going into the deep dark archives from the past. This is all about the future, one I am excited about.
Ironic that my last post was titled “Today is the Day”…and now, tomorrow is a BIG day. You see…I am ready to end this struggle with my “lover” – you can call him chardonnay or pinot noir – he is quite cunning and convincing. But I read a GREAT book called “Kick the Drink Easy” and I decided in advance that today will be my last day of any kind of alcoholic drinks. Even at the grocery store yesterday, I bought no wine, knowing that I had just enough for today, but this is now it. All we have wine-wise are merlots, a Moscato and a Riesling – seriously GROSS. Yes, there is some liquor and beer, but neither of those truly appeal to me. It is the wine that has me under its spell, and I am simply DONE.
It makes me think that it gives me more confidence when in truth, the 40 pounds I have gained over the last 7 years or so is what is robbing me of my confidence. The fact that I am not washing my face and moisturizing every night is making me look older. The scattered sleep I get is contributing to my non-love of myself. All in all, I am completely ready for this new life and honestly, quite excited about it.
In his book, Jason gives you many steps for how to finally just DO IT. The book itself was eye opening – very different from anything I have ever read, and lots of good stuff to talk about with my therapist. One of the most interesting pieces in ending this relationship was that he says to pick a day to have your last drink. And today was mine. It was pretty non-eventful – a few beers at tennis. A glass of wine when we got home, a glass of wine at dinner with hubby and his mom, and then finishing the bottle so that I would have NO MORE to tempt me. And no more running out to buy it.
There are just too many cons at this point. I am honestly overweight – by about 40 pounds which has truly made for some difficult days. I can blame it on the hormones only to a certain extent – consuming appx 1000 calories in wine alone per day just doesn’t make it even possible to lose weight. I am spending somewhere around $400 per month on my little habit. I am lucky – I have an amazing supportive husband and a beautiful daughter. I have a great job and so much going for me. But if I continue down this path, I WILL lose things. I have done so many stupid things in the past and I really can’t wait to be fully and completely present. No more major lapses in memory. No more cottonmouth and waking up needing to go back to sleep for hours on end.
I feel good about this – I really do. He mentions that the key is to NOT feel like you are depriving yourself – but instead to focus on how much you are gaining. And that is what I plan to do. I am stocked up on club soda, diet cranberry, and La Croix. I have my “reason” ready – just going through some medical shit like we do when we get older – don’t worry – nothing serious and really nothing I want to talk about. And hopefully people will just leave me alone.
Not that I’m even in that many social situations lately anyways. I did not get one single invite for any kind of “Ladies Night Out” last night when I know there were several going on. And that’s okay – it’s my new life and I am quite happy with it. But I am NOT happy with myself – the one who can easily down a bottle of wine, and most often it is two – sometimes more. And this is BY MYSELF. This is not normal and not right and I just want to get past that old life.
The new me will drink lots of hot tea in the wintertime. I will enjoy sparkling waters and whatever I fancy and I bet I NEVER go over my calories in my calorie tracker. Literally, I was eating and exercising in a way to save as many calories as I could so that I could fit in my daily wine allotment. That is total crap and I think I now know it.
I am not going to expect things overnight, but I can pretty much wager that within a month, I will have lost a few pounds and will just be looking and feeling better. No more hangovers. No more shitty sleep. I would have to guess that the depression and non-motivation goes to the wayside. I actually brushed my teeth and went through a full face washing routine tonight. I bet I will start reading more and helping my daughter with her homework.
There are SO MANY UPSIDES to this that I really am facing it with a lot of enthusiasm and excitement. I can NOT go to the dark side and feel deprived. Today while driving, I thought of it as FINALLY breaking up with a lover who has done way more harm than good. The ridiculously STUPID things I have done – sometimes I wonder how/why I am even alive. The weight gain. The feeling of anxiety I was starting to get at 5 o’clock – basically my body trying to tell me that I “needed” a drink. I don’t need that fucking poison. I need to be here for me and for my family. I need to be the healthiest I can be.
I can’t say how long this will last, but it truly does feel different this time. I just had my last drink at 10:45 PM on Sunday, October 14th. I can’t wait until Monday the 15th to start living my new life. I am not going to talk to my hubby or daughter quite yet. They will notice – I am sure they will. But I need to get some time into this before I can have that talk. I can’t wait to have the “drink” conversations with my daughter without being a hypocrite and can only hope and pray that if/when she ever does drink, that she is one of the “normal” ones – not one who lets it control their life.
I’m DONE. I will need to check in here on a very regular basis. And I am ready and willing to do so. Good riddance you piece of shit fucked up “lover” – I am so happy to be kicking you to the curb and can’t wait to report back with progress here