Part of me feels like I’m cheating. What I thought was allergies has turned into a full blown head cold complete with sinus problems galore along with a major sore throat and cough. So of course I don’t feel like drinking. But I do look back and can remember even on sick nights justifying a bit of rum or bourbon in my hot tea for a hot toddy. Sometimes a few hot toddies (is that the right plural?)
I almost feel LUCKY to have this minor illness. I have gotten the sleep I needed because my family feels bad that I don’t feel good. Not 100% sure if it would be the same if I were my usual hyper self. I do love hot tea anyways, so feeling the need for it when I feel under the weather makes it even tastier – especially the Vanilla Chai Tea with some almond milk and a Truvia.
Lemme give you some background information on some other things as well – it really will all tie together, promise! Being in my early 40s, I have learned that hormones can wreak havoc on you (sorry guys – probably TMI – but you might learn something about the ladies here). Low progesterone coupled with a low thyroid = an out of balance ME! So I have seen a hormone specialist to work on this, and literally, after my first dose of progesterone, I gained 5 pounds. Overnight. Just like that. Which brought on additional depression which led to more drinking which contributed to weight gain, and so the cycle continued.
My “excuse” (not really sure why we need one, but early on, I think the crutch is a necessity) was to tell people that I’m having some medical issues – nothing major – but just taking out alcohol and caffeine until we can figure it all out. Maybe appealing to their sympathy? I know, kinda sad. I will be going to book club this week and the hostess was looking to make some autumnish concoction if it sounded good, and if not, what kind of wine. I emailed her privately to tell her “my excuse” and that I was dealing with medical stuff and kinda cleansing so I would just bring my own club soda and cranberry. So she writes back that the food she is making is heavy, so even if I’m “kinda” cleansing, I won’t like it at all.
Taken off guard, and worried she will know my “secret” since she is a nurse, I write back that it’s just the alcohol and caffeine – that I’m cutting those out for now while I work through my medical stuff. And then I decide to do some research – and lo and behold, alcohol and caffeine BOTH contribute to hormone imbalances. And WHO IN THE WORLD would want to carry on a long conversation with me about hormonal stuff?!? So…bottom line…I look forward to when I don’t NEED an excuse, but for now, I feel like I have a pretty rock solid reason that won’t prompt a lot of additional discussion.
And on the plus side, since Sunday, I have dropped 2 and ½ pounds. Probably water weight – but hell – I will take it. For me who was used to being skinny when I was younger and “regular” up until about 5-7 years ago, this heavier me is really dragging me down. I know that it’s what is on the inside, but I don’t even feel like myself anymore and it has bothered me in a big way. Knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel is a huge inspiration.
I had an appointment with my “hormone doctor” yesterday for a follow up. We did decrease the dosage on my meds b/c of the sudden weight gain, and when I told her I had given up the alcohol, she was extremely pleased. Too bad it is not that easy to tell the world – or will it be one day I hope?
Tonight is our every Wednesday family game night out, and there has not been one Wednesday in the past two years plus when I have not had 3-4 chardonnays while we were there. And then more when we get home. And then of course the rough morning the next day, waiting until the magical time to start again. So…practicing my response to the waitress when she says she will be bringing my regular chardonnay. “Tonight, I’m going to stick with my club soda and cranberry. And do you mind putting that in a glass because I don’t really like the plastic taste.” Easy enough in the comfort of my own bed, and looking forward to saying it in real life.
Well, that is quite enough for now. I don’t ever mean to write so much, but it just all comes out. I think I mentioned at the very beginning of this, I started out with a private blog, and have been pouring out my soul for the past few months. It was over this past week when my mind set changed, and I WANTED to be part of this community. So I created a brand new blog with a brand new email address, and now I am here, among friends, and grateful – ever so grateful for the support. And enjoying my freedom. Freedom from that god awful beast – that prison of self-loathe and disgust. Freedom from being controlled by something that I could not control. So much easier to just eliminate it than to “cut back”.