It’s funny how I came home last night, after a couple of hours with friends discussing books, then went straight for a hot tea (still have a tickle in my throat and some sinus crap) and then I was asleep by midnight. I can’t TELL YOU how many times I would stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning watching mindless crappy TV, sipping on glass after glass of wine, only to wake up the next morning feeling like total crapola, only to do it all again the next day. I think as we retrain ourselves with these new ways and with these new thoughts, it really starts to sink in.
My first thoughts this morning were figuring out the day and how I could get everything done that needs doing today. This time last week, I would have been having heart palpitations because we are out of wine that I like. Oh – so my account only has THAT much in it? Well, I can just pay that next week instead so that I can hit the store and load up on a case to get my discount and make some lame ass excuse about having a party (they must think – again?!?).
Nope…instead of a glass or two before tennis tonight, I’ll happily sip on my new concoction – I think I’ll call it a Club Chardonnay. Sounds fancy, huh? And instead of a few beers during the match, plain old water is the best way to keep hydrated. And when everyone is having fun and drinking WAY too much after the match, I will have just as much fun, but I bet I will feel better tomorrow morning when we wake up early to take my daughter on a day trip.
My husband was up when I got home. I realized when I left last night that he didn’t throw in “be careful” with his usual “have fun” and “tell so and so I said hi”. He must know that I am a different person (as of 5 whopping days ago) and I wonder what he is thinking. I am irrationally scared to tell him because it seems to make it so final then. He never seemed to think I had a problem. We would even have deep, philosophical conversations (often when I was quite tipsy) where I would probe and nudge him and be sure he didn’t think I did. I know of several times when I most likely embarrassed him, at least to a certain extent, but he (a complete and total tea-totaler) was always on my side and just said “you like your wine – what’s the big deal.”
Honestly – it’s better this way. Because when someone else pushes you or forces you, it makes you more resentful and less willing to change. It is when YOU realize that yes, indeed, this is actually a bonafide problem that YOU can seek the help that you need to fix this problem. The empowerment I feel right now is mind-boggling. Recently, my sister who lives 1000 miles away has been “expressing concern” for me. Truth be told, one of her “kids” who is in their 20s is going through the struggle right now, so I’m sure it is all magnified any time she sees (saw) me. But as much as I appreciated her concern, she sometimes made me resentful and stubborn and not willing to make the changes – because it had to be on MY terms – MY decision. That’s something I wish non or normal drinkers would understand. And what’s funny, I don’t even feel ready to tell her – because part of me will feel like SHE won, even though it is ME winning. I know – totally irrational and I’m sure this will all sort itself out in time.
For now, I am going to go out and enjoy this MARVELOUS and MAGNIFICENT day! I have a to do list a mile long, I have the day off from work and I am going to look forward to an AMAZING weekend, especially checking in on Monday (though I’m sure I will pop in before hand since I can’t seem to write enough these past few days) with an exciting WEEK FREE check in!
P.S. Wow – down six pounds since Sunday. Honestly, aside from all the extra calories from the vino, I think my poor liver was having a hard time processing things – so now that it is slowly being cleaned out, he is a happy camper and willing to make me happy to keep him happy! 🙂