Random Thoughts

It’s funny how I came home last night, after a couple of hours with friends discussing books, then went straight for a hot tea (still have a tickle in my throat and some sinus crap) and then I was asleep by midnight.  I can’t TELL YOU how many times I would stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning watching mindless crappy TV, sipping on glass after glass of wine, only to wake up the next morning feeling like total crapola, only to do it all again the next day.  I think as we retrain ourselves with these new ways and with these new thoughts, it really starts to sink in.

My first thoughts this morning were figuring out the day and how I could get everything done that needs doing today.  This time last week, I would have been having heart palpitations because we are out of wine that I like.  Oh – so my account only has THAT much in it?  Well, I can just pay that next week instead so that I can hit the store and load up on a case to get my discount and make some lame ass excuse about having a party (they must think – again?!?). 

Nope…instead of a glass or two before tennis tonight, I’ll happily sip on my new concoction – I think I’ll call it a Club Chardonnay.  Sounds fancy, huh?  And instead of a few beers during the match, plain old water is the best way to keep hydrated.  And when everyone is having fun and drinking WAY too much after the match, I will have just as much fun, but I bet I will feel better tomorrow morning when we wake up early to take my daughter on a day trip.

My husband was up when I got home.  I realized when I left last night that he didn’t throw in “be careful” with his usual “have fun” and “tell so and so I said hi”.  He must know that I am a different person (as of 5 whopping days ago) and I wonder what he is thinking.  I am irrationally scared to tell him because it seems to make it so final then.  He never seemed to think I had a problem.  We would even have deep, philosophical conversations (often when I was quite tipsy) where I would probe and nudge him and be sure he didn’t think I did.  I know of several times when I most likely embarrassed him, at least to a certain extent, but he (a complete and total tea-totaler) was always on my side and just said “you like your wine – what’s the big deal.” 

Honestly – it’s better this way.  Because when someone else pushes you or forces you, it makes you more resentful and less willing to change.  It is when YOU realize that yes, indeed, this is actually a bonafide problem that YOU can seek the help that you need to fix this problem.  The empowerment I feel right now is mind-boggling.  Recently, my sister who lives 1000 miles away has been “expressing concern” for me.  Truth be told, one of her “kids” who is in their 20s is going through the struggle right now, so I’m sure it is all magnified any time she sees (saw) me.  But as much as I appreciated her concern, she sometimes made me resentful and stubborn and not willing to make the changes – because it had to be on MY terms – MY decision.  That’s something I wish non or normal drinkers would understand.  And what’s funny, I don’t even feel ready to tell her – because part of me will feel like SHE won, even though it is ME winning.  I know – totally irrational and I’m sure this will all sort itself out in time.

For now, I am going to go out and enjoy this MARVELOUS and MAGNIFICENT day!  I have a to do list a mile long, I have the day off from work and I am going to look forward to an AMAZING weekend, especially checking in on Monday (though I’m sure I will pop in before hand since I can’t seem to write enough these past few days) with an exciting WEEK FREE check in!

P.S.  Wow – down six pounds since Sunday.  Honestly, aside from all the extra calories from the vino, I think my poor liver was having a hard time processing things – so now that it is slowly being cleaned out, he is a happy camper and willing to make me happy to keep him happy!  🙂


8 thoughts on “Random Thoughts

  1. Hi MG! I didn’t realize you hadn’t told your husband yet. Sounds like you have a really supportive husband though, which is a good thing. Do you think he knows you have a problem with alcohol? (Sounds like he just thinks you like your wine and that’s OK in his book). My husband doesn’t think I have a problem which makes it harder on me to quit. I think drinking is just so prevalent in my circles that I just look like everyone else.

  2. Oh ya, and congrats on getting through book club. I doubt it was easy being around the alcohol and watching everyone else drink. This is a major hurdle you have made it through!!!!

  3. Thanks Maggie! I don’t know if he thought it or not. Looking from the outside AT me, I don’t know how anyone couldn’t think it. But we really did have many many conversations about it and he just always told me “I know you like your wine.” But…he would be asleep by 10 PM because of early morning hours and that was when my “secret drinking” started…so even though I know I overdid it in some social situations, my main concern I had with myself was the solitary overindulging. Yeah…book club was a hurdle, but not a major one. I was so aware of the 2 (out of 4) who were drinking. And one of them had maybe a glass and a half, and the other, maybe 3 glasses at the most. Not quite sure how that works, because if I have a glass, I want a BOTTLE! Part of it was a bit boring, but I don’t think it was because of the lack of alcohol. I just don’t think I noticed it before 🙂 That sounds mean, but just saying what I feel and sure hope those gals don’t “find” me here!. What are your plans for tonight Miss Maggie? I know weekends are the hardest you said.

    • Same here with the not being able to do one glass. Wish I could, then I wouldn’t be here 🙂 Yes, this weekend will be tough, I rented Rock of Ages (Tom Cruise singing rock music, may be funny!) so I will be good tonight. I will stay busy tomorrow but then tomorrow night I will have to just stay strong – find something to do. I usually don’t get on the computer much over the weekend but I may this weekend – we’ll see! hang in there too and hope you have some fun planned with your family!!!

      • We will be “chaperoning” for my daughter’s 16th birthday party tomorrow night – them downstairs and us up. So I will check in from time to time on the ‘puter if you want to say hi. Rock of Ages sounds awesome! May have to check that one out 🙂

  4. My husband didn’t know the extent of my drinking either. I did most of it at night while he was asleep. So it IS hard for them to understand. I had to sit down with him at one point and tell him how much I was drinking that he didn’t know about. THEN he got it. It is a tough thing to do though. I had been sober several weeks before I was ready to come clean to him.
    I hope you have a fun and sober weekend 🙂

  5. Congrats on day 5! I am sure you’ll tell your husband at some point, when the time is right. Or he’ll notice. My husband now agrees with me that I should quit, but he didn’t always. He used to just think it wasn’t a big deal, that we are drinkers, and that’s how some people are in life. There are drinkers (fun people!) and non-drinkers (boring!). Or at least those were my thoughts. Sadly, kinda still are. I wish your drinking tennis story didn’t sound fun to me. I am right here with you though, on day 5.
    Keep it up! You’re doing great!

  6. Congrats on your 5 days!

    Seems like i have always drank but the last ten years, it got to the point of yes i have a problem. During most of that time my husband supported my drinking because it made me happy. I’d try and quit for awhile, then at the first sign of weakness, the hubby was driving me to the liquor store. I dont think he really got that i couldnt drink normally. I drank to get
    drunk every day. The final time i quit he got that if i was going to be successful, i had to quit 100% with no enabling from him. It made all the difference in the world. Towards the end of my drinking day our marriage was seriously fraying at the edges. Its great that you are doing something about your drinking before it reaches that point. And you r 100% correct, it has to come from within yourself…not for someone else. Good luck!

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