Powerless…Over My Computer

I’m staring at the blank box trying to decide what to write.  I just had my morning “catch up” by reading each and every one of the 20 or so blogs that I now “follow”.  These are folks that I can relate to, ones that I wish I had nearby in real life.  It’s amazing when you read things and can honestly say “wow – that’s exactly how I feel” or “what an amazing insight.” 

The hardest thing for me this past weekend was not having the time and/or privacy to access my computer.  I guess if that was my biggest challenge, I’ve got it pretty good!  I posted Friday night (or I guess you would call it SUPER EARLY Saturday morning).  Then Saturday we went out for family breakfast, then drove up to a town we love in the mountains.  Didn’t realize there was a festival going on so it was PACKED.  $10 to park and we had to walk almost a mile to get to the square where all the shops were.  It was an absolutely gorgeous day, much warmer than expected, but enjoyable to just “be.” 

We came home and did all the “prep work” to get the almost birthday girl to her surprise party.  Dinner at a hibachi place with her girlfriends, then a DJ in our basement until midnight, and a sleepover with same friends.  A little teenage girl drama got tossed in for good measure, but hubby and I were like vigilantes making sure that no backpacks went downstairs and we kept a close watch since this is the age when alcohol potentially sneaks into play at an innocent teenage party.  No casualties at OUR house, praise the Lord, but as we stayed up until almost 2 AM waiting for them to all fall asleep (with alarm set just in case anyone had an idiot idea to sneak out), I was jonesing for the computer.  Just wasn’t the right time, so kept my thoughts in my head.

Yesterday morning – woke up early and cooked breakfast like I was cooking for an army. Bacon and two kinds of french toast.  Put out all the assorted donuts, pastries and fruit.  The girls ate like they were teenaged boys.  They straggled out saying their goodbyes, and again, I wanted to come on here, but we were busy getting the house back to normal.  Went to my tennis match. Since when does the home team bring jello shots as part of the food and drink spread?!?  No worries!  After my two and a half hour match (a close loss), the thought didn’t even cross my mind and it was actually EASY to say no when someone offered me one.  I know it won’t always be like this, but my mindset didn’t even give it a second thought!

Home and time for some quiet relaxing with mindless TV…another time when I was hoping to hop on here and check in, but I feel funny that being on the computer would give hubby the idea that I’d rather spend time on it than be with him.  Made the family dinner, my daughter’s favorite foods, and then it was time to work on some school projects.  My mind kept racing, wanting to be on here.  The silly thought crossed my mind that if people didn’t see a post from me Saturday or Sunday that they might assume that I had gone back to Day One over the weekend. 

So now…I’m here.  Reflecting over this last week, and proud of myself for how far I have come.  Even though my journey is new, I will not underestimate the accomplishment.  I feel different – in a GOOD way.  I can’t ever get too comfortable in my thoughts, but I truly think I have a new way of thinking.  Last night, I actually got offended. 

I was drinking sparkling water, and my daughter asked me what it was.  I said it was a new Wildberry with Lime sparkling water and she said “with vodka?”  I said NO and asked if she wanted to try it.  And it felt good to pass it to her so she could take a sip and test my response.  Honestly, vodka was never even really my thing – except sometimes at the beach, and it was interesting that I got bent out of shape that she accused me of it.  I do want to talk to her and hubby about this eventually, but it’s all too fresh and new right now – and I need some time under my belt first.  I would think she would notice that I’m different – in a GOOD way – but hopefully that will come in time.

Anyways, gotta run b/c hubs just got back home.  Ciao for now and hope to be back soon!

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7 thoughts on “Powerless…Over My Computer

  1. You sound like such a thoughtful and caring wife and mother. Congrats on having such an easy time passing the jello shots. I just took some tennis lessons and every time everyone (including me at the time) was hungover and wanting to get drinks after class! I had no idea tennis and drinking went so hand in hand.
    Good for you.

  2. Sobermama – I just read your comment which I was so excited about because at this stage, this place is pretty much like a lifeline for me. So I had to think…thoughtful and caring?!? If I had been writing a blog entry a week ago yesterday (probably would have been hungover and telling daughter to go away), you wouldn’t have thought the same way, but I will say “thank you!” because as I am leaving my self-absorbed poison filled world, I do think I am becoming a better person. FYI – I just read your blog from start to finish. We are a LOT alike and I hope we can become good “cyberfriends”. Yep – recreational tennis is very tied to drinking. Our ladies team motto was “we are a drinking team with a tennis problem” – not even funny anymore. Here’s to you and I for continuing on this journey. The “forever” thing sounds really scary, but we don’t have to look at it that way yet…just today, right? 🙂

  3. Sounds like we have teenage daughters about the same age! We went through the bday party thing back at the beginning of the year, and I’m ashamed to admit that even though I meant to stay up and monitor, I got completely blitzed and my husband had to be the “enforcer.” Ugh, such a shameful memory.
    Sounds like you’re doing awesome at the beginning of week 2! Woohoo!

    • Sounds like it! Man – what a time this is 🙂 If her birthday party had been two weeks ago, I would have been up in our room drinking wine, having hubby enforce the rules and regulations. It felt good to be clear headed and ready to handle anything, but I am way too fragile in this new place to think that I can always be that person. I am glad to have been on this journey for a week, and excited to see what this week brings. I love your writing style – and oh – BTW – Parenthood ROCKS! 🙂

  4. Just wanted to check in and say a quick hello! Good for you getting through this weekend MG! Sounds like a busy and fun time for you and your daughter! So glad I am done w/ the teenage years – my baby is 21 and I didn’t drink much while he was home but for some reason as soon as he was gone all hell broke loose! I am super busy at work today but just wanted to pop in and say that I am still here. Will probably get to my blog tomorrow! Hang in there – sounds like you are doing really well!

    • Yay! Maggie’s in the house! Sounds like you had a great weekend as well, and sorry that work is super busy. I have been a bit slack, knowing that I have a two week vacation coming up. No travel plans – just plenty of lists and projects to undertake. I always like reading what you write, so hope you will have time tomorrow. Doing well…so far…but will never take this for granted 🙂

  5. You are doing great! Don’t worry about not coming on for a few days…. just look after yourself first and foremost, and the real people in your life .. pop in here when you can and update as much for us as for yourself so you can keep track of your thoughts and feelings as you learn to live sober. Your weekend sounds lovely! Real. xxxxx (P.S. one of the only bad things about sobriety for me now is that my kids know they can always sneak tastes of my drinks! Ggggrrrr….)

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