Today seemed like every day this past week or so…busy with work, got some things done around the house (I am so lucky to work from home), went on a 4 mile walk with hubby and daughter (hubby and I did 8 yesterday!), got back home and made dinner while hubby and daughter went to BJs (a bulk grocery store – even though we are a small family of three, daughter likes to stockpile snacks and that’s their “fun” every couple of months.)
So I’m cooking dinner and I get a call from my daughter – she wants to know if these wine prices are good or not. “Now these are the big bottles mom. The blah blah blah Pinot Grigio is $7.99. I know you also like Cabernet so the blah blah blah Cabernet is $8.99. And XYZ White Zinfandel is $6.99 – oh wait, you don’t like White Zinfandel.”
Literally, I sat there dumbfounded. I wanted to scream into the phone “have y’all not freakin’ noticed that I have not had a single glass of wine since last Sunday?” It didn’t help that this was truly the first day I have had any kind of cravings. As I was pouring my Wildberry with Lime sparkling water, I started to think of a chilled glass of chardonnay. Of course it would never be a glass – but instead a bottle – or more. I believe I’ve mentioned my husband and I have had many talks and as tea-totaling as he is, he just thinks I “like my wine.”
Now daughter on the other hand has made mention a few times in my bad days that she wished I didn’t drink so much. So to have them calling offering to hand deliver BIG bottles of wine was almost surreal. Of course I didn’t take them up on it. I fumbled with my words and said something to the effect of “I’m okay – thanks for thinking of me though. But do y’all mind picking up some butter from the regular grocery store?”
And that was almost that. They got home and unloaded all their goodies – pre-packed snacks, some fruit (shocker!), vitamin waters, cereals, etc. And as I’m serving up dinner, they proceed to tell me how HUGE the wine section is there. That I would love it and should go check it out.
Well wouldn’t I just love to do that? Wouldn’t I love a pre-paid American Express card that I could bring with me to buy whatever I wanted? But it was wierd – I cannot even begin to envision myself going into that HUGE section to check it out. Because that would be trouble with a capital T! I know eventually we will have the conversation, but like I said, I just want some more time under my belt. I’m not “giving myself an out” – it’s just a sensitive conversation that I’m simply not quite ready for.
So all of this led to me being very distracted tonight. Hubby asked what was wrong, and I said that nothing was. Nothing really is wrong; it’s just the thought process of thinking about drinking, somewhere I just really haven’t been these past 8 days. But it hit me tonight, and I won’t say I white knuckled it, but it was definitely a challenging evening. I think one of the smartest things I did “this time around” was to get rid of all the wine that I do like – I didn’t want to completely clean out the wine rack to call attention to my actions, but all that’s left are Rieslings, Moscatos and Merlot – and I can’t stand any of those. I promise!!!
I know there will be good days and bad days (and going half mad days) as Jimmy Buffett says. And I know what I need to do to keep myself on this journey.
1. Don’t drink.
2. If the cravings come up, think it through. Come here and post. Read past posts I’ve written and what others have written.
3. Keep busy. CLEAN. Do laundry. Do dishes. Clean out the cat boxes (gross – that’s a last resort!)
4. Listen to music. Read. Watch TV. Anything to take my mind off of it, although I am getting uber sensitive to all of the references to the seductiveness of drinking in commercials, songs, TV and movies.
5. If all else fails, confide in hubby. I would rather have that conversation at a time when I’m not vulnerable, but I will do whatever it takes to keep from taking that first sip which is only guaranteed to lead to too much.
Alrighty – that helped to take stock of my feelings. I can’t discount them – they are real. But I CAN control whether or not I act on them and that is the most important thing. I am the most important thing, and I will be gentle with myself and will take care of myself. And THAT is a promise to myself and to you.