So…I was really having a hard time knowing that a 15 year old girl was possibly a stressor that would lead me to drink last night. I mean – really?!? Scary finances is a viable trigger. Losing a job, family member, friend or animal would potentially drive someone to drink. There are SO many things that I would consider “valid” but still would not want to act on the impulse. Even meeting a celebrity as in Dag’s awesome post would be understandable, but still not excusable.
This morning, as I contemplated over how ridiculous the whole thing was, I realized something. I had started my period – only *13* days after my last one ended. These freakin’ hormones are really about to do me in. I had gotten used to the fact that my cycles were only about 21 – 23 days apart. But 13?!? What kind of ridiculous trick is the universe playing on me? This time of the month has ALWAYS been an odd one – when I am feeling my worst, for whatever reason, it has also been known to make me want to increase my intake of that damn poison. I did call the doctor and because I have only recently started to regulate my hormones, she told me to not worry, but if it happens again next cycle, to call back and we can go from there. At least now I know that something was going on physically, and the mean girl was just a small part of my thought process.
On a totally separate note, I know I probably post too much – but this is my “safe place.” Mrs. D made a great point – to not worry about whether or not I post and to spend more time in real life. And though I LOVE that advice, right now, this is where I am very comfortable. I don’t have a “real life sober network” yet. I am skipping bunco in the neighborhood tonight because I know that the main goal of the dice game is not to win, but instead to drink a lot. I am okay with situations where drinking is not the primary focus, but with only 12 ladies, it is hard to shed the “party girl” image so until I am more comfortable with myself, I know it’s better to bow out.
When I am here, I feel I can be completely honest and open and say what I need to say, good and bad. The way I see it, it’s not like I’m given a “word count limit” – so no matter how much or how little I write, it’s okay. Somehow when I put things into words, they always make much more sense. Anytime I have had a “sensitive” topic to discuss with a loved one, I always start off with an email. I can express myself so much better in the written word than by talking. A conversation always follows, but by laying out my main points, it helps me with what I want to say.
Speaking of what I want to say, I don’t really know what the point of this post is. Oh – I know. Bottom line. NO ONE and NOTHING has the power over me. I have my own power and even when things get tough, I can get through it. I have many tools to use and am thankful for them all, just as I am so thankful to SO many of you here in the “sobersphere” as Paul calls it…at least I am pretty sure that’s the right word!
Alrighty – that’s certainly enough for now. I have plenty of work to do and I am in a very motivated mood after my coffee and my way too long post.
P.S. Can you tell that I learned how to do links this morning? 🙂 There were a few more I was hoping to add and then all of a sudden my new little “toy” stopped working. So maybe tomorrow! 🙂