I know I need to be back here. If I was where I should be, I would have about six weeks under my belt. But I don’t. I tried to control it. Ha ha…that is just such a FUCKING joke. I have literally been so run down today and just doing nothing that it makes me sick. Not physically sick, but emotionally and mentally. Knowing that I am an idiot.
I did have I think a full two weeks – maybe even more – and then slowly crawled back into this deep, dark hole. Maybe it’s the long term thinking that scares the crap out of me. Maybe I really do just need to focus on one day at a time. Here’s all I can do right now – I can say that I will not drink today.
And tomorrow, I need to come on here and say that again. And make that a habit. I will probably post a lot…because during that time I was doing so well. I just don’t seem to know how to not drink when I have such a party girl reputation. But I definitely need to figure it out. For me. For my daughter and my husband. For my health.
Here’s some honesty – my ALT and AST levels have always been slightly elevated. And when I went to the doctor recently after some sober time, believe it or not they were almost cut in half. So that was great news. But my GGT was now slightly elevated. Now it probably didn’t help that I had gotten hammered the night before. But before I chickened out, I set up a follow up on December 7th for re-testing. So that is my short term goal, but I need to look at all this one day at a time.
Again, for those who are probably disappointed in me, don’t bother. I have more than made up for it by punishing myself. I truly don’t understand how my husband (who doesn’t drink) loves me as much as he does. We did have some talk at one point on my non-drinking stint. He still just thinks that “I like my wine.” Which I do. But I’m surprised he doesn’t think/know that I have a problem.
Because I do. And if I don’t get this under control, it will slowly kill me. I will continue to read all the incredible blogs out there, and have so much awe and admiration for all of you. Please say a small prayer for me. I know if I could just put this in God’s hands, it would be out of mine. I don’t know what it will take to make that happen.
But let’s just pray that it does. Last Sunday was amazing. I did NOT drink Saturday night and on Sunday I went hiking with hubby and daughter and had such an amazing and fun-filled day. What a difference from today – laying in bed all day having a pity party for myself.
Well…I’ll be back tomorrow with a one day success, and will continue to rack up the days. And learn from my mistakes. And celebrate my successes (without wine of course!).
So again, damn it…just damn it. And thanks for being here!!!