Damn It…Just Damn It

I know I need to be back here.  If I was where I should be, I would have about six weeks under my belt.  But I don’t.  I tried to control it.  Ha ha…that is just such a FUCKING joke.  I have literally been so run down today and just doing nothing that it makes me sick.  Not physically sick, but emotionally and mentally.  Knowing that I am an idiot.

I did have I think a full two weeks – maybe even more – and then slowly crawled back into this deep, dark hole.  Maybe it’s the long term thinking that scares the crap out of me.  Maybe I really do just need to focus on one day at a time.  Here’s all I can do right now – I can say that I will not drink today. 

And tomorrow, I need to come on here and say that again.  And make that a habit.  I will probably post a lot…because during that time I was doing so well.  I just don’t seem to know how to not drink when I have such a party girl reputation.  But I definitely need to figure it out.  For me.  For my daughter and my husband.  For my health. 

Here’s some honesty – my ALT and AST levels have always been slightly elevated.  And when I went to the doctor recently after some sober time, believe it or not they were almost cut in half.  So that was great news.  But my GGT was now slightly elevated.  Now it probably didn’t help that I had gotten hammered the night before.  But before I chickened out, I set up a follow up on December 7th for re-testing.  So that is my short term goal, but I need to look at all this one day at a time.

Again, for those who are probably disappointed in me, don’t bother.  I have more than made up for it by punishing myself.  I truly don’t understand how my husband (who doesn’t drink) loves me as much as he does.  We did have some talk at one point on my non-drinking stint.   He still just thinks that “I like my wine.”  Which I do.  But I’m surprised he doesn’t think/know that I have a problem.

Because I do.  And if I don’t get this under control, it will slowly kill me.  I will continue to read all the incredible blogs out there, and have so much awe and admiration for all of you.  Please say a small prayer for me.  I know if I could just put this in God’s hands, it would be out of mine.  I don’t know what it will take to make that happen. 

But let’s just pray that it does.  Last Sunday was amazing.  I did NOT drink Saturday night and on Sunday I went hiking with hubby and daughter and had such an amazing and fun-filled day.  What a difference from today – laying in bed all day having a pity party for myself. 

Well…I’ll be back tomorrow with a one day success, and will continue to rack up the days.  And learn from my mistakes.  And celebrate my successes (without wine of course!). 

So again, damn it…just damn it.  And thanks for being here!!!


7 thoughts on “Damn It…Just Damn It

  1. Don’t beat yourself up too bad, you’ll get there, I have faith. That you even want to get there and recognize there is a problem is a HUGE step forward. It seems like you might need to just do some more retraining of your brain, reading all those great books by Allan Carr and Jason Vale. They helped enormously when I was trying to envisage a life without wine. And Mr D never got that I had a problem either… nobody knows that sick voice in our heads and that feeling of awful disfunctionalism that we feel (is that a word? you know what I mean). Don’t give up. Dig deep. You can do this. Sending love xxx

    • Mrs. D – you just truly made me cry. You are so right – dig deep. I did read the Jason Vale book and thought my life was changed – will check out Allan Carr as well. Thank you – and I WON’T give up. I can promise everyone that 🙂 Love your way xxx

      • Indeed! I forgot to add in my last post, my HDLC (I think…) were SKY High last March, I was 8 points away from immediate medical attention, I was told to STOP drinking for 11 days and COME BACK to get my blood work retested….Well, I never told anyone, bc I couldn’t bare to think of 11 days without Wine….(so selfish…I know) Well make it short here, but I waited 5 1/2 months before I stopped for 11 days, went I went back my blood work was about 3 point above normal, my endocrinologist said…well-that’s your answer isn’t? I have been going back and forth with this no drinking/moderated drinking since the end of Sept…the I got on a 90 day Challenge with my 20 yr old son, me no wine…him no video games, I got to Day 10, and I now back to 2…I didn’t drink today, and I’m not drinking tomorrow!

  2. So I was right were you are and day 1 sucks! the shame and guilt and failure that lurks in our heads is horrible:( BUT tom. will be day 2 and then the next and on and on! I am on day15 and feel amazing and 2 weeks ago all I wanted to do was fast forward out of the shame and guilt and black hole I had once again created:( I have tried quitting over a zillion times (at least it felt like that)….books on moderation, quitting, ect. Then 2 weeks ago it all came to an end I could no longer hide my secret and I gave up… Knew I couldn’t do it on my own. Started blogging and met with a guy from AA. He set me up with a sponsor and I went to AA. NEVER in a million years would I have seen myself there but it has been the most amazing thing. Seeing people who KNOW what I am feeling who have been there or are right where I am at. Some women look just like me and others looked like they walked in off the street. For the first time in a long time I didn’t feel alone:) I pray that you try reaching out not only by blogging but maybe even meeting 1 person who can truly understand where you are at. My heart goes out to you because I know what your feeling. For me it was also “giving it to God” like you mentioned. I had cried out for years for him to take the desire from me to drink but it wasn’t until I realized I don’t have to be better before I can come to him. He wants me right where I am and right where you are:) Let go…there is Freedom in it:) You are strong!

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