So…I sit here watching the finale of Dancing with the Stars (guilty pleasure show) and I am just abundantly counting my blessings. I have an amazing family – my awesome husband and daughter just love so unconditionally and I am in awe. My extended family is fabulous as well. I am gainfully employed and lucky to work from home. We live in a wonderful neighborhood with so many great friends. Honestly, my gratitude for everything is simply dripping right now, in a good way.
And I feel like I can feel these feelings because I AM feeling. I am not holed up with a glass of wine on my nightstand while hubby sleeps because of early morning work. I will remember who wins tomorrow morning without having to jar my memory. I actually made breakfast for my daughter this morning – seriously – not sure if I have EVER done that. For the past few days I have gone without wine, I have come under my calorie counts and worked out every day. I’m taking my vitamins and having more energy. Even after only a brutal three and a half hours of sleep last night, I still felt better than having a full night’s sleep but waking up with a hangover.
Certain moments and things today really jumped out at me. I loved the comment on my last post about how funny it is that we were hiding when we were drinking, and now it almost feels like we have to hide that we are not. We wonder so much about what other people will think, when why should we care? My husband drinks water at all parties and no one gives a rat’s ass. I guess it’s all a change in perception and realizing that I don’t HAVE to be that party girl any more. That’s in the past – no need to reflect on it and think about it TOO much – although I will always have to keep my guard up.
Anyways, a specific moment jumped out at me today which seriously made me cry. Another of my guilty pleasure shows is Melrose Place – and I’ve been watching it on Netflix most every day on the treadmill starting from Episode One, Season One and as cheesy as it is, it is the perfect entertainment to get in a good workout. Anyways, today was the season finale of Season Two. Not sure if anyone else has ever watched this show (I think it was on the air in 1992 or so), but there is a character Allison who is an alcoholic. She is a secret drinker that eventually ruins her relationship with her boyfriend.
Long story short in this dramatic series – her boyfriend (Billy) finds a new rich and pretentious girlfriend (Brooke). Brooke’s dad has the power to send Allison to Hong Kong for a new job to ensure that she does not jeopardize the relationship – anything for his little girl – even though he doesn’t even really like Billy. Well – Allison finds out that Billy and Brooke are getting married and figures out what happened. She flies back to try to stop the wedding, but it doesn’t work. She has been sober for a while because Billy convinced her to go into rehab…but…in her distress over losing the love of her life, she finds herself holed up in her apartment drinking straight from the vodka bottle. The words that came to my mind were sad, pathetic and me.
It truly brought me to tears. I was glad no one was in the room because it made me realize that I just NEVER want to go back to that life. I know I am still so early in the journey and I know I’ve said it before…many times before. I would have to laugh to think that a scene from Melrose Place was a turning point, but hey, whatever it takes.
Well…if you are still with me then I’m amazed. I have learned that this really is a safe place for me to spill my guts and feelings, and as much as it helps to get feedback, that’s not what’s it’s all about anymore. I used to blog privately because I was scared, SO scared of baring my soul. But if anyone figures out who I am, then they obviously found me here for a reason. I love reading EVERYONE’S story in this amazing community. From the ones who have been sober a long time to the new beginners struggling right next to me.
I can’t promise right this very second that I will NEVER drink again. But I can promise that I won’t drink today – and since it’s getting close to midnight, I’m gonna have to say that I will be living up to that promise. I think the forever thing is too scary and daunting early on. I also don’t even really like counting my days. I just like to visualize myself as a non-drinker. One who can still have fun, laugh (holy CRAP I laughed so much at dinner tonight) as our family sat around the table eating grilled chicken I had made and me with my Coconut La Croix.
Reading Belle’s post today made me think a lot too. We are all in this together, no matter where we are. I’m just thankful that I found this place.