Between some recent 12 to 14 hour workdays, the holiday season, a setback here and there (yep I suck) although almost three weeks of not drinking minus a few days) is far better than drinking for three weeks straight. I learned the power of the aftermath the day after the accident. Knowing we we were all home safe and sound the night after, I guess I felt a need to zone out. I had stayed so strong the night before and then I proceeded with a pity party for myself.
Then, it did not help that I literally got cornered at a cookie swap and miss hostess with the mostest did not seem to realize that no should be a valid option and is a complete sentence. My plan armed with coconut water lasted about two hours and I finally felt like I was becoming more and more fragile and gave into peer pressure. Tragically sad for a 44 year old successful and bright educated smart woman. I had to finally accept that I’m just not ready for social events where drinking is the primary reason for the get together and have wisely turned down two events (on same night) because I still need to work on me and shedding the party girl image.
In addition to disappointing myself I know I owe you all an apology. I miss you all so much. But these brutal work days coupled with decreased confidence have lowered my defenses and I even have pangs of defensiveness and self sabotage. I know it sucks to read about someone who just can’t seem to get their shit together. I’m doing WFS meetings each morning but I don’t contribute as much because I feel like a hypocrite. I very actively listen and take notes and continue to make my daily plans. And of course I would NEVER drink before a meeting, especially since they are at 9 AM! It’s a great way to start the day and I hope to start interacting more.
I guess my point in a long drawn out way is that I still have faith in myself and hope y’all don’t lose faith in me as long as I continue to learn and grow. Special thanks to mrs d, Kat, Lilly, Paul, belle, peggy and many others. Typing this on my phone as daughter is in dentist appt. my only free time today. Love you guys!!! Keep up your great progress And hope to report my own soon. Lots of gentle love and self care and analysis of the whys for myself.