Okay…so I’m back. I have figured some things out. I am NOT perfect although 100% of me wants to be. I am still an unhealthy mixture of HELL or ICE – I cannot seem to find the middle ground of what needs to be. And…thanks to my therapist and my husband today, I have learned that those things are “myths” and need to be more balanced and grounded.
When I first started this blog, it was all about ME. Then, I found so many awesome friends with similarities, I decided that I was in an unique community. But then I started to fail, which is where my perfectionism set in. So…as I fell and fell, I decided that I did not deserve to be here.
Fast forward to today. Had a great conversation with my therapist today. I actually went in there thinking I had NOTHING to say to her…but I had oodles. Upon mutual decision, we have unfortunately decided that I am TRULY a perfectionist. All or nothing. Getting your respect or losing your approval. Being wanted or being dizzed.
OKAY – here is where MY voice comes in (finally – right?) I am back blogging. I cannot promise that I will blog every day because that is a huge commitment. I cannot promise that I will not drink because that is a huge commitment. I cannot promise anything but HONESTY because that is all I have.
Here’s the real deal. I wish there were three “hierarchys” of blogging. There are those sober uber bloggers who have it in the bag – Belle and Mrs. D come to mind. They are over a year and they are so tough and cool and I would love to be like you. Then there are the right about there gals…like The One Year Party Girl Challenge and One Girls’ Journey for a Better Life. They have it figured out.
Then…there is the “NEWBIE” category. And even that should be broken into two categories – those who have made the definitive decision and those (like me) who are still struggling (for whatever STUPID REASON) that it’s just not the right time/place/month/decade/whatever.
SO….here is my LONG story short. I am here back blogging because of ME. I am definitely in pursuit of a life without alcohol but I am not ready quite yet to publicly make that decision. I have no judgment – I admire AA, WFS, and any and all programs that contribute to long term sobriety. I WISH I were ready to declare alcohol as the enemy – I know it is but I am not ready yet.
As I told my therapist today – she, my mom (deceased), my spouse (around), my daughter (still here) etc could ALL tell me to stop drinking. But it is up to ME. No one else. NO ONE can make my decision. But I KNOW I am on a journey to get there. It’s just not quite my time – though I feel it will be very very soon.
Again, LONG story short – this is MY blog. If you are an accomplished and vivacious gal with loads of sobriety time behind you, this is probably not the blog for you. I am not contemplating relapses, but I am starting at square one and do NOT want to derail you. If you are in the “middle” stages of this, then let my sad cries be a reminder of what you do not want to be. Just keep on keeping on – I admire you and WILL be you one day. If you are still struggling – you are my buddy right now. That is what I need. Ones who will carry me on during these difficult first days. YES = I know there is AA. And that is still an option = but I still hope to do this on my own and/or with other’s help.