Perfectionism…All or Nothing… I SUCK

Okay…so I’m back. I have figured some things out. I am NOT perfect although 100% of me wants to be. I am still an unhealthy mixture of HELL or ICE – I cannot seem to find the middle ground of what needs to be. And…thanks to my therapist and my husband today, I have learned that those things are “myths” and need to be more balanced and grounded.

When I first started this blog, it was all about ME. Then, I found so many awesome friends with similarities, I decided that I was in an unique community. But then I started to fail, which is where my perfectionism set in. So…as I fell and fell, I decided that I did not deserve to be here.

Fast forward to today. Had a great conversation with my therapist today. I actually went in there thinking I had NOTHING to say to her…but I had oodles. Upon mutual decision, we have unfortunately decided that I am TRULY a perfectionist. All or nothing. Getting your respect or losing your approval. Being wanted or being dizzed.

OKAY – here is where MY voice comes in (finally – right?) I am back blogging. I cannot promise that I will blog every day because that is a huge commitment. I cannot promise that I will not drink because that is a huge commitment. I cannot promise anything but HONESTY because that is all I have.

Here’s the real deal. I wish there were three “hierarchys” of blogging. There are those sober uber bloggers who have it in the bag – Belle and Mrs. D come to mind. They are over a year and they are so tough and cool and I would love to be like you. Then there are the right about there gals…like The One Year Party Girl Challenge and One Girls’ Journey for a Better Life. They have it figured out.

Then…there is the “NEWBIE” category. And even that should be broken into two categories – those who have made the definitive decision and those (like me) who are still struggling (for whatever STUPID REASON) that it’s just not the right time/place/month/decade/whatever.

SO….here is my LONG story short. I am here back blogging because of ME. I am definitely in pursuit of a life without alcohol but I am not ready quite yet to publicly make that decision. I have no judgment – I admire AA, WFS, and any and all programs that contribute to long term sobriety. I WISH I were ready to declare alcohol as the enemy – I know it is but I am not ready yet.

As I told my therapist today – she, my mom (deceased), my spouse (around), my daughter (still here) etc could ALL tell me to stop drinking. But it is up to ME. No one else. NO ONE can make my decision. But I KNOW I am on a journey to get there. It’s just not quite my time – though I feel it will be very very soon.

Again, LONG story short – this is MY blog. If you are an accomplished and vivacious gal with loads of sobriety time behind you, this is probably not the blog for you. I am not contemplating relapses, but I am starting at square one and do NOT want to derail you. If you are in the “middle” stages of this, then let my sad cries be a reminder of what you do not want to be. Just keep on keeping on – I admire you and WILL be you one day. If you are still struggling – you are my buddy right now. That is what I need. Ones who will carry me on during these difficult first days. YES = I know there is AA. And that is still an option = but I still hope to do this on my own and/or with other’s help.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Perfectionism…All or Nothing… I SUCK

  1. Actually Belle recently passed 7 months. She is just so ultra cool and sorted that it sounds like she’s been sober much longer. Love Belle. And Mrs D.

    But, anyway, I don’t think you need to explain or justify where you’re at AT ALL. Your journey is yours to share with anyone who is or has wrestled with this and likes to share and learn from other smart interesting people about their experiences. And that means you. Today or in a year or two or ten.

    You don’t have to promise or commit to anything. You don’t have to be perfect. You can come here and talk about it if you drink and why. (I know feeling I can’t post after a slip has kept me away but that’s counter productive really.) Just be here and share what you want, when you want, how you want. And I bet you’ll still find oodles of great support here I am sure.

    Don’t assume the sorted bloggers won’t want to read about your slips and etc. I think they gain a lot from helping others earlier on – after all, they’ve been there – and you certainly will too.

    It’s YOUR blog and journey – use it, live it, share it, however you like.

    Hugs to you.

    Lilly x

  2. Glad to see you back writing again! No matter where you put yourself on the scale you have been a source of support for little ole me who is a beginner, an old timer, a perfectionist, and a hot mess depending on what day it is!
    I need to hear all kinds of stories and hearing them helps me stay on the path. If I stray off the path it is helpful to know I am not the only one who struggles. Don’t judge yourself so harshly. I don’t think anyone else out here in ‘trying to stay sober land’ is judging you. And if they are? F them! : )

    • Thanks loads to both of you. I think that identifying some of the whys and hows is helping me to sort things out. To Lilly – I probably screwed up sobriety length on more than just Belle – I just know that those are some of my favorites (including yours) and I guesstimated time frames. You are right – it is my blog and my journey. I stopped food blogging (which I love to do) for some of the same reasons – I felt that if I couldn’t commit to doing it all the time I wasn’t worth it. How RIDICULOUS is that? To madwomyn – saying I have actually been a source of support to you means a LOT. I don’t know why I judge myself so harshly – I would never say to others what I say to myself. So yep – my journey and my path. P.S. Love the term hot mess – unfortunately it applies to me more days than I would like. To ALL: I will write what I feel and hopefully by sorting through feelings and reasons and ifs and whys and buts etc, I will continue to grow and blossom. It’s not all about the drinking. I also want to focus on my achievements in other areas where I really am doing well. And eventually I will be exactly where and whom I want to be.

  3. I’m glad to see your post today :).
    You’ve taken the step to again post on your blog. That’s big. I am not here to judge but to listen and hopefully share something that you relate to, etc. You are not alone. I would think most of the people who found your blog are on the road to recovery or on the fence.

    Being sober is not only about putting down the drink but about living. Which we all know is tough sometimes.

    • Peggy, you probably don’t realize how much it means for you to even acknowledge my post. Although I have decided this blog is for me, it is always an added bonus to hear from others – and I know you are a LONG timer – and I totally and completely admire you. You are right about the living part – part of my focus is going to be acknowledging my accomplishments, as small as they may be, and even if they do not relate to “putting down the drink”. Hence my next post.

      • Thank you . I am not a long timer by any means. I hit 1 year on 2/27. That’s big for me.

        So, whether we have a day, a year or 10 we are in this together . I believe we can’t do it alone. Support can come from an online blog, a friend on the street or members of AA or other support networks. It helps to get ourselves out of our heads. ;).
        Acknowledging your accomplishments is great! I have also been practicing positive affirmations. Even if I’m having a shitty sometimes a positive affirmation such as worthy.

        One day at a time if you choose.
        You have people here to support you . 🙂
        Have a great day

  4. I”ve been sober for 3 weeks with the help of you and all of the other amazing sober guys and gals. I don’t care if they’re one day sober or many years sober. I find something meaningful from everyone’s experiences!

What Are Your Thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s