Baby Steps and Working on Self Confidence

It’s ironic how when you start to work on things, things really jump out at you. My daughter told me several times today “why do you say things like that about yourself?” I’m sure I meant them as joking, kidding barbs at my own expense, but it is really hitting home that I am saying things to/about myself that I would NEVER say about others. So though I’m going to try NOT to write evening posts (my mind starts racing and it’s not a good way to segue into bedtime) this was just the right time for this one (it’s been in my brain for a few hours, but internet has been down)

Here are some accomplishments from today. I know areas where I did not do as well as I wanted to, but that is not where I am going to dwell. Though this is a “sobriety-focused” blog, I also need to think about ALL of the aspects of my life. As I have said in the past (at least to my therapist) I am 95% confident in my own skin – it’s the piece of me that drinks, and drinks too much, that makes me sad and feel broken and feel like a failure. I’m going to try an opposite tactic – hell – I’ll try anything at this point. I’m going to focus on all of the GOOD I do each day and perhaps I will slowly regain the confidence that I have no idea how I lost. ANd maybe that will help me with my ultimate goal.

Again – for those who are much further down the road, my ramblings will probably bore you and might possibly disgust you at times. All I ask is that if you want to judge me, please do so in a kind way in which we can engage in conversation and I will appreciate “constructive criticism” – but not harsh barbs or lashings – way too thin skinned for that.

So, for 2013, I decided that since I am so “all or nothing” I would develop a spreadsheet listing simple things I want to do each day. Take my vitamins, eat a healthy breakfast (preferably a protein shake), make the bed, wash my face, brush my teeth, limit/eliminate alcohol, eat healthy lunch and dinner, cardio exercise, strength training exercise, a daily chore…etc. It’s on a points system – pretty much I can get up to 10 points per “accomplishment” and I really just wanted to first set a baseline and then work on improvement.

I have been up and down the past month and a half, but for the most part, today was a REALLY good day. Not to go into a lot of detail, but right now my work SUCKS. I work from home (which I know I am very thankful for), but there are a lot of unknowns and a lot of really wierd things going on which have completely de-motivated me the last two months. Sadly, there have been days when I have slept until 10 AM because I just haven’t CARED about work. And of course, there is a definite relation of what I accomplish to if/how much I drink the night before…

So some highlights of today:

Was up and at ’em by 8 AM, drinking a protein shake, drinking my “greens” vitamins in my diet cranberry juice (dang – forgot to take my actual vitamins – but it’s okay). Also had a very delicious cup of coffee, much needed for a CRAZY day filled with oodles of work and I actually felt like I accomplished a LOT today!

Work – leading a project that is going unbelievably well – we are ahead of schedule and getting all kinds of input and collaboration (unlike all of the processes that keep getting dumped on us with no discussion). A new “process” was just shoved down our throat the other day – I asked that we could discuss it on today’s call and it was just amazing how many questions we had that “they” couldn’t answer because they had not thought it through and gotten our input.

Hubby Land – I shared last night’s post with him. I shared your comments with him today. He is SO on my side and SO my best friend. I truly felt closer than I ever have to him. He KNOWS that things are my choice – and I have also reminded him that if he sees undesirable behavior in me and/or has concerns, he needs to speak up. I believe I have mentioned that he has probably drank 6 beers in the past 2 and 1/2 years I have known him. He “gets” me and I know that he will be an integral part of this journey.

Daughterville…our cable went out tonight. Our typical Tuesday night is watching Pretty Little Liars together, and then she will tweet or chat or whatever with friends while I watch the Taste. SO…we have this application on our Iphones that we play – a word game called Ruzzle. We Ruzzled for two hours – with lots of conversation and fun banter and she beat me every FREAKIN’ time. I seriously consider myself to be a smart cookie – but she kicked my ass. And we chitter chattered the whole time and it was much better than watching a TV show.

Workout Stuff – my FAVORITE show to walk on the treadmill to is The Biggest Loser. So I caught up on a previous episode once my workday was done – did 75 minutes at 4 mph on a 6 incline. AND added in 3 sets of 5 reps of 20 weight exercises while on the treadmill. THis was the second day I have added that in. My back is tight and it was TOUGH but I felt like a superstar!

Meals – protein shake for breakfast, leftover tilapia and green beans for lunch and made some AMAZING pork chops with quinoa for dinner. It made me want to re-start my food blog again (that was abandoned to take this one on, and this one is more important for now). But hopefully I can find a balance, because cooking is my true passion.

In General – Felt motivated today – felt like I had purpose. Felt like I had all these awesome folks by my side in all phases of their journey. Was INVIGORATED by the beautiful comments I received – but reminded myself that this blog is for me, so any wonderful comments are simply the icing on the cake. The kitchen is clean, my face is washed, my teeth are brushed, etc. I did not meet every category I planned to conquer, but I am working on “baby steps”. If I had to rate days on a scale of 1-10, this one was one of the few that rated above a “5” and it was because I MADE it that way. I would say it was about a 7…which is huge progress with the depression, hormone issues and anxiety that I also have battled.

SO…long story LONG…I am happy to be back here in a wonderful community. I have seen so many wonderful accomplishments and have tried to comment when I can. There is much more to catch up on, but I want to be sure that I don’t overwhelm myself. I thank you for letting me have a voice in this oh so crazy world, and can truly commit to improving myself on many, many levels. I thank you for all of your amazing stories. Thank you for giving me a forum to keep on keeping on 🙂

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2 thoughts on “Baby Steps and Working on Self Confidence

  1. First I wanted to say that I am so glad I came upon your blog! It’s only recently that I have been venturing out of my little velvet cave of safety and checking out other sobriety blogs…I keep on finding more and more, which is wonderful…I am loving this community. So thank you for having us here.

    As for this post, wow, you sound a lot like I used to sound like…and still do at times. I was the self-deprecating champ, and found numerous clever ways to put myself down at times, much to both my joy and chagrin. Self-esteem takes a pounding when we drink, and it’s slow to rebuild even in sobriety. Or maybe that’s just me. But like your daughter pointed out, don’t be so hard on yourself. We’ve all been brow-beaten out there, no need to self-inflict more upon ourselves. Remember, we are on a journey of healing. Hard to do that when we keep jabbing the knife into ourselves 🙂

    What I certainly identify even more with is the all-or-nothing attitude. I still have a hard time trying to moderate things. When I get into something, I get *into* something. So balance has always, and remains to this day, a difficult thing to achieve. I know for me it’s something to work on, but part of me clutches onto the old ways of thinking and I don’t want to give up that! Oh how dreadful that feels. Don’t put pressure on yourself to get everything done all the time. So baby steps, as you mention, are great. I am very excited for you on this journey!

    What you say about other judging you or being “disgusted” by what you write…I also feel that is something I would have said about myself in the past too. Being gentle to myself has helped me in that regard. I don’t feel anyone who reads these blogs are in any position to be judgmental. In fact, in my short time blogging, I have seen such a tight and close knit community of people who are really supportive and loving. So don’t fear! We’ve all gone through the same things, and we are here to help one another. That’s the groovy thing here – we get to help each other. And by posting what you post, I can almost guarantee you are helping someone. They don’t have to comment or say anything…they could be lurking, and what you say may have a great impact on them.

    What you said has impacted me – look how much I can’t shut myself up here!

    Be good to yourself and thanks for leaving the doors to your heart and soul here open.

    Blessings,
    Paul

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