If Nothing Else…

If nothing else happened from yesterday’s reaching out and receiving support, at least I can also add to that that I didn’t drink last night. Honestly, I had no desire to, though on many nights, that would not have mattered because it has become somewhat of a “habit.” Not to rationalize, but I don’t think it’s truly a physical addiction at this point. I know things could surely change, but it is more of an emotional addiction – just something that seems to be part of my day to day routine.

Instead, I enjoyed my club soda and diet cranberry while cooking dinner, and had some hot tea while enjoying our cheesy reality show.

I mentioned writing and reading blogs, and what a great supportive community is to the gal whom I reached out to. She was interested, so I will be sending her some to take a look at. Of course I know that if she comes across mine, it will SCREAM that it is me. Part of me is terrified with that, but the other part knows it’s an ego thing. She is not out to judge. We will be talking tomorrow and hope to get together on Friday. Again, part of me is terrified, but part of me is relieved and excited.

Well – I have a call to lead in 10 minutes, so lemme get rolling. Gotta delete the browsing history since I’ll be leading a net conference – ha ha!

Make it a great day everyone πŸ™‚ I have my greens in my diet cranberry, a WONDERFUL cup of coffee and a pretty stellar attitude if I do say so myself!

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4 thoughts on “If Nothing Else…

  1. Hey – just read your last post and this one. You’ve got to give yourself a huge amount of credit girl!!! You are having an open honest gritty real and brave conversation with yourself – yes yourself. Forget the counsellor or us here in the sobersphere… you are really forcing your brain to be honest with YOU and you are confronting some huge obstacles inside and for THAT my friend.. you should be applauded. There are so so so so many people who ignore and silence that little niggling voice inside their heads that might dare to whisper that “maybe there is little problem here…?” I have a few very close people to me who do exactly that. But you are not… you are listening, even though it is bloody hard and scary, you are listening and slowly moving towards change. And THAT, is amazing. Bravo!!! xxxx

    • Thanks Mrs. D! You probably don’t realize how much these words mean to me! I do think that the recognition is a huge deal, and taking steps, even baby steps, is surely better than putting my head in the sand and drinking my brains out with no cares in the world. I DO care – about myself and about others. The journey continues…somehow I sometimes feel that I am exactly where I *should* be, even if it’s not where I *want* to be. So I will keep on keeping on. And again, thank you. This place is a real safe haven for me and the support I get regardless of where I am on the journey is mind-boggling and appreciated!

  2. I too read this post and the last one, and it sounds like there is something shifting in you. I say that not knowing you, but I have a good sense of these things, having been around my “peeps” for a short time now, and can sense when someone is starting to look at things in a different light, especially when they are starting to acknowledge that something is awry. I know for me it took me a long time, and the worst thing was that I knew I had major drinking issues and continued to drink for many years after that. It gets worse, never better.

    I started blogging not too long ago because I know that for me, I see things in a clearer light when I put it on paper (or on my computer). There is something not only cathartic, on a surface level, but is almost like our fingers move in connection a much deeper level, where our true self sits, surrounded by fear and anger and things we don’t always like to look at with our seeing selves. And I know when I write, I look back and wonder where much of it came from. There is a sense that another part of me is ghost writing the thing, and I am an observer. And yet, it is from within. All of what we seek if from within…no longer looking to the externals for validation or to feel good. And alcohol did that for me…and nearly destroyed me.

    Change is difficult…but when our eyes are open, like yours seem to be, it’s more difficult at times, but it’s more rewarding. Ignorance is bliss, but not to these eyes…or yours.

    Thanks for sharing πŸ™‚
    Paul

    • Thank you ever so much for your kind words Paul. I would feel WAY better about all of this if I had not been ignoring the voice for some time now. BUT. I am listening now and this is where I know I should be. Moving forward and soaking it all in. Truly…thank you!

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