Baby Steps Continue…Still So Much to Learn

So…when we last left our “she-ra”, she was awake at 4:30 AM, on the treadmill by 7:30 AM and to the track meet by 10 AM with an unusually clear head. Let me just say that there is NO way I could have survived today with anything other than a clear head. My daughter’s event was supposed to start at 10 AM. The temperature was 34 degrees – less than freezing with the wind chill. They FINALLY started to throw the discus at 3:30 PM. Yep – that was 5 and a half hours of being cold and miserable with snow flurries for added effect.

Plus side – I got to hang out with my daughter, her friends and her friends’ moms who were all very sweet. Minus side – other than being cold, none, with the exception of frustration. Good news – my daughter placed second in her heat with a 68 foot throw. Bad news – in the second heat, one of the girls had a throw of 121 feet – holy smackeroos! But my teeny tiny daughter totally held her own against the girls who obviously had more power. But disc is more about form than strength, so go little “she-ra!!!”

Fast forward to the evening. Our heat is out downstairs, not to mention there was no time to ever get to the grocery store considering we got home at 5:30 PM. So we planned on a family dinner, at one of our “stand-bys” where the food is good (but inexpensive). I did have 2 glasses of wine with my bowl of soup, but when I got home, I did not have that “I’m dying to escape the world and beyond” kind of feeling.

Mrs. D – I think that slight conversation from last night trickled into tonight. I know that this is not groundbreaking news, but it is a start. Like you said, that voice seems to start to be more active and I will continue to listen to it full force. I am in no means “cured” or “normal” – but to not have that “I wanna drink until I pass out feeling” was amazing. It truly was not there tonight in any way, shape or form. Anyone reading this who is a “normal” drinker won’t get it. They have the red light that stops the major overconsumption. It has just been a huge development to be where I am tonight and was last night.

I did figure out a “bone of contention” tonight (for lack of a better word). My husband works the VERY early shift, so he rarely makes it through a movie with us. Tonight, we wanted to watch a movie as a family. Honestly, I didn’t think my daughter or I would make it after our freezing cold day, so I suggested that we watch something that we had both watched, but not my husband, so that if he DID make it through, we wouldn’t be missing anything. And deep down inside, I figured he wouldn’t make it either. Ironically, he did not like that idea, and seldom do we disagree.

But he had his own movie on his mind (actually one that I was interested in as well), and we decided to go with that one. It is now 10:30 PM and I am the only one awake. I’m not “mad”, but I’m starting to make sense of my escapism once he goes to sleep as I feel alone at this time. But…instead of numbing myself with additional glasses of wine, I am looking forward to remembering all details of the movie, and he can just watch it another time on his own.

So – tomorrow will be another cold day outside. It is my team’s tennis match, so I will probably be at the courts for 5+ hours, again in temps below freezing when you factor in the wind chill factor. I will continue self care of myself. Today I had all my water, exercise, vitamins, etc. I read a chapter in my book. I felt *almost* stylish in my ensemble for the track meet because I knew I would be meeting other moms. I am really and truly trying to find the best “me” I can find. Oh – and I have realized that I am also a quotations and asterisks addicts – oops!

Much love to all and looking forward to reading through blogs in the morning and commenting. Just wanted to put this out here in cyberspace, so here I am πŸ™‚ Thanks you all SO MUCH for the continued support. I am *not* there – but I *will* get there. Ha ha – more asterisks πŸ™‚

P.S. I am NOT condoning that having a few glasses of wine is okay. I am only proud of my steps that instead of a few bottles it is a few glasses, and will continue to work towards where I want to be. Hope this makes sense…Again – we each have our own journey and all I have is my own – not yours and not anyone else’s. I’m all I’ve got – along with all of you of course (whew!)

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4 thoughts on “Baby Steps Continue…Still So Much to Learn

  1. Don’t feel the need to put disclaimers on your posts – it’s your blog, your journey, your path! We all struggle, we all have gotten to where we need to be by being where we need to be. It would be arrogant, and in bad form, for me to make untoward comments about another person’s drinking habits, especially if they are an alcoholic or have drinking issues. I am the last person to do so. I do my best not to judge another person’s sobriety or their working at sobriety. So be kind to yourself. πŸ™‚

    As for the “normal” drinker – yup, you nailed it…they have the off switch that we don’t. Most people stop drinking when they start to feel it. I would just start getting ramped up! I like and needed that feeling of changing, of getting out of myself. That was the whole point. So good in recognizing that.

    Good luck tomorrow and bundle up. πŸ™‚

    • Kind to myself – what’s that? Joking aside I really am working on realizing my self worth but I think it’s very hard when you have an “elephant in the room” that takes up more space than you’d like for it to. I do appreciate the note about the disclaimer. I guess “perfect me – ha ha by the way” doesn’t want people to think I’m taking this lightly or that I think it would be okay for ME to have a few glasses of wine every night. Don’t I wish but I also know I am not programmed to succeed in that arena. Just working on cutting back and then cutting out. Paul, I SO appreciate your insightful knowledge. Glad you are by side on this path!!!

    • Sadly I really don’t think I *can* be a moderate drinker. But I also don’t think I can go cold turkey. I am learning to see more of the bad and less of the good of drinking. I am starting to identify the triggers and think things through more. It’s definitely a process. In my case a very long one. Another important piece has been acknowledging the victories no matter how small they are. As a self proclaimed perfectionist this has probably been the hardest but I have seen some really good progress the past few days. Thanks for stopping by and have a great day!!!

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