Today’s topic was about giving and patience and kindness. Now if that didn’t completely relate to what I’m going through with all of the family drama I mentioned the other day, then I don’t know what does! I will keep it short and sweet here – my brother who has had 2 back operations in the past 2 years called the other night basically saying he was done with life and ready to end it all because he still needs another operation and is out of work because of the excruciating pain he is. He pulled out all of the dramatic effects possible (I’ll spare you the details), and had me in tears for hours as I did all I could to help him see hope. He was talking crazy talk – that he was telling Satan that if he would end his back pain, he would carry out his wrath. I tried to bring up what a loving God we have, but that made it worse. It was honestly one of the worst nights of my life – and that was on my 3rd night of sobriety?!? Holy mamacita!
Fast forward to today. I took action and did everything in my power to make things happen. We now have the potential of having the back surgery that he needs on Monday, March 25th. Typically surgeries don’t happen that quickly and it took a lot of hoop jumping to make it a possibility. I spent a LOT of time and energy doing all of this but I didn’t do it to be recognized – I did it because he is my BROTHER and that’s what family does. Amidst my full time job, working out at 5:30 AM, meetings at 8 AM and everything else going on in my life, I helped make something GOOD happen. So today when the meeting topic was giving to others, I shared my story. I still shied away from the “a” word, but everyone is cool with it. When I am ready to accept it, I will. I didn’t do what I did or share to look like a saint, but I was focusing on the fact that if this had been last week, who knows if I would have had the time or energy to make things happen. I would have still been focused on my evening fix, so when he had called me with his problems, what kind of advice would I have given him? Instead I was strong (even though I’m the baby sister!) and present and willing to do ANYTHING to help him – as far as letting him stay with us for a few months during his recovery time after the operation. What I wanted from sharing was prayers from my fellowship and for them to know that it was because of THEM that they helped ME make something truly good happen. Will keep you posted on everything.
Then, my neighbor friend shared how it was really amazing that I had shown up this past Monday. That she was getting to the point where she wasn’t sure if she was getting what she needed out of the meetings, but my timing was perfect – and now we are text buddies and just allies in general. It made me feel so amazing that I somehow helped her (after we got over the initial freak out of seeing each other there of course!)
My one dilemma for the day – I felt a bit pressured today by one individual to find a sponsor. Work the steps. I’m not gonna lie – I am not 100% in agreement with ALL that AA has to offer. In all honesty, I relate SO much more to the 13 WFS Statements () than to the 12 steps of AA. If there were face to face WFS meetings nearby, I’d be there in a heartbeat. But this is the next best thing and I am happy to have the tool.
Take the 1st step of AA vs. the 1st statement of WFS:
AA: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.”
WFS: “I have a life-threatening problem that once had me. I now take charge of my life and my disease. I accept the responsibility.”
In essence, they mean the same thing to me. BUT. I believe that my power along with my HIGHER power and my fellowship can truly help me take charge of my life and my disease. I DON’T feel powerless; I don’t feel it has to do with willpower either, but if we take our OWN steps to fight this fight, we can regain our lives that were once unmanageable.
I guess bottom line is that I felt a bit pushed to follow a journey led only by AA when I don’t want that journey, although as we talked through it, the individual seemed to respect my decisions and backed down. I DO want the face to face interaction and accountability of AA. I cannot imagine walking into that room one morning having to tell them that I drank the night before. I DO want the sharing and praying and relating. But I will say this – if AA starts to get shoved down my throat, I am outta there. I have loved every single second of those meetings and they get my day off to the absolute best start (especially after my 5:30 AM workout!) So I’m still a fan – and still enjoying this new freedom – and taking the steps to TAKE CHARGE of my life!
Everyone have an awesome day!!!