Today, I am not in a bright and sunshiney mood, nor will I pretend to be. My routine has been the same today as it has – 5:30 AM class at the gym (this makes 8 days straight of working out – 6 of them at the 5:30 AM class). Home for a protein shake and diet cranberry with “vitamin greens”. Reading from a daily devotional book and an AA Thought for the Day (my dad’s old copy – the pages for March are all falling out). Waking up my daughter and getting her off to school as I enjoy my first cup of coffee. Taking a second cup on the road with me for the 8 AM meeting. Home again and logging on for work. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Something is off today. Maybe it’s because it was not the usual “laugh-fest” in the meeting today. Some folks had some pretty heartbreaking stories to share. I felt like I walked into the meeting with a heavy heart as it was – perhaps because I will be visiting my brother today. Perhaps because his ex-girlfriend (or whatever the heck she is) literally wore me down emotionally yesterday with a million trillion texts. The way she spoke, you would have thought they were happily married for 25 years or something instead of them being in a completely co-dependent and toxic relationship.
A contributing factor might be that after giving up a trillion bottles of wine the past 10 days and working my ASS out every day, I have actually gained 2 pounds. WTF? Obviously this is not the primary reason for giving up my vice, but you would at least think that the weight would be melting off. I’m sad because I still hate my job. We have another meeting on Monday to find out what the “next steps” are in this ridiculous transformation they are working on – literally, my job might not even be available in my city anymore. If it is, I will have to reapply for it, and then if I GET it, I will have to go into an office every day (after working from home for 9+ years).
Today we talked about “surrender” at the meeting and I realize that is a concept that is very difficult for me. I should be so incredibly grateful that I HAVE an amazing daughter and husband; we have a house and my husband and I are both employed. We have cable and internet, and some luxuries that many cannot even fathom affording. I have friends – some close and many acquaintances. I have hobbies that I am grateful for. There are so many good things in my life, but today is simply one of those days where it’s tough to put a smile on my face. Honestly, today, all I want to do right now is hole up under the covers and have a good cry.
I think so much of it has to with my brother; my contact with him has been very limited and it just doesn’t sound like a very nice place. It is much less structured than I would have hoped, and after 24 hours yesterday, he had STILL not been seen by a psychiatrist. They promised me he would see one today before I visit at 7:30 PM, but until then, I feel so helpless and for lack of a better word, just SAD. There is so much pressure on me because I am the primary point of contact; they only want one person calling there for updates, and that person is me. How much calling is too much and how much is not enough? I figure I will call at noon to ensure that he did indeed see the psychiatrist; and if not, put the screws on them.
Part of me wishes I had not put on mascara this morning. I know – who in their right mind does that before they work out? But it is the ONLY makeup I put on b/c my lashes are so skimpy – without it I look so washed out and tired. Who knows – maybe I will just have a good cry today. I reached out to one of the gals who is in a lot of pain right now thinking that might help me to be there for someone else. I have absolutely no desire to drink – but I do crave an escape. Maybe I will just read for a bit because work is slow. Actually, work is not that slow – I am just making excuses because I am not deadline driven at this time.
I do have real life people I can reach out to if things get too tough and if I have any kind of a desire to put any kind of poison in my body. For now, this just feels better getting these toxic thoughts onto paper (or I guess in this case a computer screen) and knowing that there are others out there who understand me.
If you believe in any kind of Higher Power or whatever, please send a thought or two my way today. I could use it. All I can do for now is promise that I will not drink. And if I’m tempted, I’ll either come back here or reach out to someone in my group or do whatever I need to do. I am on the 100 Day Challenge and I am committed. I just looked at a calendar; my 100th day will be on Monday, June 17th. Ironically, that will be our second day on vacation. Last year I remember bringing a shitload of wine and even having to buy more while we were there. This year the car will be packed with sparkling water and diet cranberry juice, and a few red bulls to boot. Here is to June 17th 🙂