Some Days are Tougher than Others

Today, I am not in a bright and sunshiney mood, nor will I pretend to be. My routine has been the same today as it has – 5:30 AM class at the gym (this makes 8 days straight of working out – 6 of them at the 5:30 AM class). Home for a protein shake and diet cranberry with “vitamin greens”. Reading from a daily devotional book and an AA Thought for the Day (my dad’s old copy – the pages for March are all falling out). Waking up my daughter and getting her off to school as I enjoy my first cup of coffee. Taking a second cup on the road with me for the 8 AM meeting. Home again and logging on for work. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Something is off today. Maybe it’s because it was not the usual “laugh-fest” in the meeting today. Some folks had some pretty heartbreaking stories to share. I felt like I walked into the meeting with a heavy heart as it was – perhaps because I will be visiting my brother today. Perhaps because his ex-girlfriend (or whatever the heck she is) literally wore me down emotionally yesterday with a million trillion texts. The way she spoke, you would have thought they were happily married for 25 years or something instead of them being in a completely co-dependent and toxic relationship.

A contributing factor might be that after giving up a trillion bottles of wine the past 10 days and working my ASS out every day, I have actually gained 2 pounds. WTF? Obviously this is not the primary reason for giving up my vice, but you would at least think that the weight would be melting off. I’m sad because I still hate my job. We have another meeting on Monday to find out what the “next steps” are in this ridiculous transformation they are working on – literally, my job might not even be available in my city anymore. If it is, I will have to reapply for it, and then if I GET it, I will have to go into an office every day (after working from home for 9+ years).

Today we talked about “surrender” at the meeting and I realize that is a concept that is very difficult for me. I should be so incredibly grateful that I HAVE an amazing daughter and husband; we have a house and my husband and I are both employed. We have cable and internet, and some luxuries that many cannot even fathom affording. I have friends – some close and many acquaintances. I have hobbies that I am grateful for. There are so many good things in my life, but today is simply one of those days where it’s tough to put a smile on my face. Honestly, today, all I want to do right now is hole up under the covers and have a good cry.

I think so much of it has to with my brother; my contact with him has been very limited and it just doesn’t sound like a very nice place. It is much less structured than I would have hoped, and after 24 hours yesterday, he had STILL not been seen by a psychiatrist. They promised me he would see one today before I visit at 7:30 PM, but until then, I feel so helpless and for lack of a better word, just SAD. There is so much pressure on me because I am the primary point of contact; they only want one person calling there for updates, and that person is me. How much calling is too much and how much is not enough? I figure I will call at noon to ensure that he did indeed see the psychiatrist; and if not, put the screws on them.

Part of me wishes I had not put on mascara this morning. I know – who in their right mind does that before they work out? But it is the ONLY makeup I put on b/c my lashes are so skimpy – without it I look so washed out and tired. Who knows – maybe I will just have a good cry today. I reached out to one of the gals who is in a lot of pain right now thinking that might help me to be there for someone else. I have absolutely no desire to drink – but I do crave an escape. Maybe I will just read for a bit because work is slow. Actually, work is not that slow – I am just making excuses because I am not deadline driven at this time.

I do have real life people I can reach out to if things get too tough and if I have any kind of a desire to put any kind of poison in my body. For now, this just feels better getting these toxic thoughts onto paper (or I guess in this case a computer screen) and knowing that there are others out there who understand me.

If you believe in any kind of Higher Power or whatever, please send a thought or two my way today. I could use it. All I can do for now is promise that I will not drink. And if I’m tempted, I’ll either come back here or reach out to someone in my group or do whatever I need to do. I am on the 100 Day Challenge and I am committed. I just looked at a calendar; my 100th day will be on Monday, June 17th. Ironically, that will be our second day on vacation. Last year I remember bringing a shitload of wine and even having to buy more while we were there. This year the car will be packed with sparkling water and diet cranberry juice, and a few red bulls to boot. Here is to June 17th 🙂

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12 thoughts on “Some Days are Tougher than Others

  1. I had the exact same experience this week. Worked out, stayed on my WW plan, and then gained 2 lbs. WTF?! Any-hoo, I think my buddy is just messing with me and next week will be better. Congrats on the alcohol challenge and the diet. It ain’t easy but it’s worth it. Good luck.

  2. hi, there. i have been following your blog for a few weeks now and just wanted to say hi because i feel like we are going through similar experiences. i am on day 5. anyway it is so great to feel less alone, thanks for blogging.

    • K. You just made my day. It was making me giggle that on my happy days I was getting lots of likes and comments. And today. A bit more silent. I did what anyone would do to get through the day. Yep. I took a nap for almost two hours. Granted. Not everyone could feasibly do that. But even though I felt a bit guilty I did it and feel better. Now to try the caseworker again after waiting 3 hours for a call back.

      I am in NO position to offer guidance or advice. But I can truly say that my life is way better without all of the negative effects of alcohol. I hope your journey is going well and it is nice to have another comrade by my side!

  3. It’s muscle!!!! I hate that. Just keep on, you are doing so well. Some days are just shit. Shit day #243493 .. get through go to bed and wake up tomorrow. Sending love xxx

    • Ha…it was definitely Shit Day – but today is happy day and I shared in my meeting about Shit Day…and it was okay to have one…as long as I didn’t drink! Damn muscle – these pounds better start melting off SOON. 5:30 AM is EARLY. I should get a bonus 10 pounds off just for the earlier timeframe dont’cha think?!? Huge hugs! xoxo

  4. There are times where we aren’t necessarily dancing on the ceiling nor are we bummed out completely. They are the grey-ish days, the partly cloudy days, the days of “meh”. And that’s fine. We need those days. I thought that once I got sober it would be all rainbows and bunny rabbits. Not so. Life still happens, and just because I don’t drink, doesn’t mean things won’t happen. It’s how I react to those *things* that is important. So I get what you are saying. I get days like that often. No big epiphanies, no howling revelry, no guiding light moments…just life. But life through the eyes of someone who has not picked up nor needs to pick up and who is to trudge the path of happy destiny. That sense of being “off”, of being a bit thrown off…this happens. And when I first had those feelings, I panicked and thought I would pick up. But it’s just realizing that for me, I am not centered properly with my Higher Power. I am perhaps blocked in some way from my HP. So I just do what is in front of me, and turn my thoughts to someone else.

    Funny…you mention in your post that you were helping someone who was in pain, thinking that it might help you. Then you get a response from your post from someone who wanted to say hi and say that they were on day 5…and your response – “You just made my day”. Coincidence??? hmmm….ha ha. Keep reaching out…it comes back to us in so many ways.

    Keep posting, too.

    Love and Light,

    Paul

    • I did know it would not all be sunshine and rainbows…but man…when a gray day hits, a gray day HITS!!! I never once contemplated drinking, but I did have to do a lot of breathing and relaxing and praying.

      The highlight of my DAY was heading over to the blog of the person who was kind enough to comment. And I left some notes and lo and behold, they commented back that I was the FIRST person they had reached out to in our comfy cozy sobersphere. Well I was on top of the world with that. Imagine ME making a difference? Even more reason to continue to work it for ourselves as well as reach out to others – you had that one spot on from the get go! As always, thanks for stopping by!

  5. On a superficial note … 🙂 Very impressed with your workouts and healthy eating and don’t worry about the weight too much for now. Maybe you’ve gained some muscle and that’s accounting for the small gain? In any case, keep it going and I’m sure the weight WILL soon be dropping off. How can it not really? Booze is empty calories and leads to bloating and binge eating crap to boot. As long as you don’t replace booze with cake you WILL lose weight. But, as you say, that should be low on the list of awesome reasons to quit really. xx

    • You mean I can’t replace my wine with cake?!? Ha ha. I am definitely going to keep on going knowing that EVENTUALLY it HAS to drop off. I mean really. 1 bottle of wine = 750 calories or so. At a MINIMUM, I am consuming about 5000 calories less a week. It WILL happen. I got my husband to go to spin with me this morning so it was even more fun! Will post soon. Huge hugs across the pond!

  6. Just wanted to say Hi and thanks for your words of encouragement on my blog. You are the first to reach out to me also, and that meant a lot. Im glad things are looking better for you and I hope your brother is doing better. Thanks again!!!!

  7. Same here. Every time I quit, I gain weight. And I work out, eat less, etc. Then, when I start drinking again, I drop weight. Makes no sense. But it sure if frustrating.
    Good for you for keeping at it, for taking care of yourself.
    Keep it up! Or don’t if you can’t…we’ll all still think you’re awesome anyway. 😉

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