I allowed myself to get sucked into my brother’s drama on Saturday. It’s a LONG story – similar to a Lifetime movie, but I’ll try to keep it short. On the way down to pick up my daughter (2 and 1/2 hours each way), my sister and I both got a text from my brother that he was going to kill his girlfriend. My brother has a temper and my brother owns guns. For the next 6 hours, I was immersed in the drama – trying to talk sense into him, talking to my sister to be sure we were a unified front, making a call to the girlfriend (whom honestly I can’t stand) to give her the heads up that my brother was talking irrationally and she might want to keep her family safe.
This doesn’t make sense I’m sure – and after I called the girlfriend, she actually called my brother to tell him I had called her so of course his termper got even worse. Then we come to find out that they had been talking/texting all day so none of it really made any sense. But I did what any idiotic alcoholic would do and I bought some wine. I didn’t get shitty drunk. I knew it wouldn’t make anything better. Not once did I even consider calling one of the MANY friends I have made in AA. I just wanted to “take the edge” off.
So…instead of getting my 30 day chip today, I traded in my old white one for a new white one, acknowledging that I’m still wanting to be a part of the program. I shared my story with the group and everyone was full of compassion and empathy. I got a lot of hugs, and one of the ladies who knew it was supposed to be my 30 Day Chip had brought me a present – the Joe and Charlie CDs which I suppose are a supplement to the Big Book and everything else.
I know it was not an excuse…and of course it wasn’t worth it. I don’t feel like I lost all those days, but I guess technically I did.
I’m just glad that it was a one time thing and I am back on track and more resolved and focused than ever. I’m learning how cunning the beast can be. As long as I’m still learning, I’m growing. If I start to feel complacent and stop caring, then I am not growing.
Looking forward to the first night of my cooking class tonight…and glad I had yesterday free to do some heavy thinking and reflecting…and self care as well.
Hugs to the sobersphere!