30 Days Minus One…

I allowed myself to get sucked into my brother’s drama on Saturday. It’s a LONG story – similar to a Lifetime movie, but I’ll try to keep it short. On the way down to pick up my daughter (2 and 1/2 hours each way), my sister and I both got a text from my brother that he was going to kill his girlfriend. My brother has a temper and my brother owns guns. For the next 6 hours, I was immersed in the drama – trying to talk sense into him, talking to my sister to be sure we were a unified front, making a call to the girlfriend (whom honestly I can’t stand) to give her the heads up that my brother was talking irrationally and she might want to keep her family safe.

This doesn’t make sense I’m sure – and after I called the girlfriend, she actually called my brother to tell him I had called her so of course his termper got even worse. Then we come to find out that they had been talking/texting all day so none of it really made any sense. But I did what any idiotic alcoholic would do and I bought some wine. I didn’t get shitty drunk. I knew it wouldn’t make anything better. Not once did I even consider calling one of the MANY friends I have made in AA. I just wanted to “take the edge” off.

So…instead of getting my 30 day chip today, I traded in my old white one for a new white one, acknowledging that I’m still wanting to be a part of the program. I shared my story with the group and everyone was full of compassion and empathy. I got a lot of hugs, and one of the ladies who knew it was supposed to be my 30 Day Chip had brought me a present – the Joe and Charlie CDs which I suppose are a supplement to the Big Book and everything else.

I know it was not an excuse…and of course it wasn’t worth it. I don’t feel like I lost all those days, but I guess technically I did.

I’m just glad that it was a one time thing and I am back on track and more resolved and focused than ever. I’m learning how cunning the beast can be. As long as I’m still learning, I’m growing. If I start to feel complacent and stop caring, then I am not growing.

Looking forward to the first night of my cooking class tonight…and glad I had yesterday free to do some heavy thinking and reflecting…and self care as well.

Hugs to the sobersphere!

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4 thoughts on “30 Days Minus One…

  1. Hugs back to you. You didn’t ‘lose’ all those days – there are times when I think all the focus on day counting can be unhelpful – so long as you pick yourself right back up. You still have all the clarity you gained during them. Just keep moving forward.. xx

  2. Ughhh…..sorry. I just had a four paragraph comment that disappeared by a combination of my fingers doing some sleight of hand. Sigh. So forgive the shortened commentary.

    Sorry to hear that you drank. You have seen how cunning, baffling and powerful this thing that wants us dead is. You’re back, you’re clear of mind, strong of heart and full of spirit and honesty. That’s all you need. Getting back to the rooms, being honest, confronting this, and reporting here…big things. Many people don’t come back because of shame and go on long runs. Some die.

    We have lost the power of choice in alcohol, so you mentioned that you realized that there was no excuse…and you’re right. It’s alcoholism. It compels us to override everything else to get what it wants. The great thing is that you’re seeing this, and that we cannot not be vigilant at times, especially early on, to be aware of this. I am so happy to see that you have seen this and moved forward. Courageous.

    As for drama – I avoid it. My sponsees know that, co-workers, etc…I avoid drama. Not because I don’t care or don’t want to help – I love to help, believe me. And I do. But when something starts to swallow me up, when I invest too much emotionally, etc. then it’s dangerous territory. Anything that keeps me in self is dangerous stuff! Many alcoholics are also drama queens and kings – and can be addicted to that. Obviously the thing with your brother seemed quite urgent and serious. I hope that he and his gf do what they need to do to get that resolved.

    Glad you’re back.

    Blessings,
    Paul

  3. Thinking of you. I totally understand. That desire, the moment of choosing to give in, the not looking back, the “shut-up-you-sober-part-of-my-brain” ease that comes once the first drink is had. I am so proud of you for not continuing. I find it hard once I give in, to stop again.

    The other day I saw an acquaintance getting a box of wine at the store, and it devastated me. I was nearly in tears walking away. It felt like life was so unfair. I was having a really hard evening to look forward to and I wanted what she had. I wanted to casually buy a box of wine, head home and drink. AND FEEL GOOD. NOT feel whatever it was I was feeling.

    I get it. And you are so courageous to share and continue, to pick up where you left off. I am sure that was such a challenging day. You’re amazing.

  4. “As long as I’m still learning, I’m growing. If I start to feel complacent and stop caring, then I am not growing.” This is it! And, I don’t believe you lose the days. Every day you go without drinking, especially when you want to, makes you stronger, mentally. It’s like working the “sober muscle.” And, just because you don’t work out one day doesn’t mean you’re going to lose the strength in that muscle. You got this! xx

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