Just one of those days. Actually, the past few days I have been in an unexplainable funk. Part has to do with STILL hating my job. Part is the continual obsession over drinking. Just when I think I’m feeling strong and bulletproof, BAM…I begin the romanticizing and the “I wasn’t that bad” and have I really hit bottom and so on and so forth. As I have said before, lather, rinse, repeat.
I have missed my 5:30 AM date at the gym 3 days in a row. Part of it has been b/c of poor sleeping – my mind seems to spin a million miles a minute and I’m just not gung ho enough to go tackle a tough workout with only a few hours of sleep. And I actually think that’s smart on my part. I’m keeping up with my meetings and my readings and my “work”. And reading “real books” and napping when I can.
Today after my meeting, I started really digging into Step 2, about accepting a Higher Power and how to tap into that power. I have always believed in God/Jesus/etc so that was no stretch. But the more I did some of the exercises in my workbook, the more of a failure I felt like. And as I continued on, I got a bit weepy and needed something grounding. I saw that there was a noon meeting pretty nearby and texted three of the girls from my morning group to see if I could get any feedback on it. (Ulterior motive – if God wanted me to go, he would have someone respond). By 11:30, no one had responded, but by golly, I decided to put my big girl panties on and go.
And lo and behold, one of the girls called me which was a huge blessing in disguise because I got majorly lost and she also gave me the lowdown on actually entering the building (it was quite tricky). I was late, a first for me in going to meetings, and even worse since it was my first time at that meeting. But I just sat and listened and planned on staying quiet. Then one of the girls shared about a song – one that a good friend of mine introduced me to recently. Something about “God, take it from me”. I got goose bumps and knew I was where I was supposed to be, and actually did share that I was usually at a different meeting but I was feeling off today and just needed to be in a calm room with people “like me” and that the song reaffirmed my decision. And I keep practicing how to say “God, take it from me”
Afterwards, one of the other girls had texted me and she told me to call her if I wanted to and I did. It just helped getting a lot off of my chest about how obsessed I have been with drinking lately. That sometimes I wonder if I am doing all of this for the right reasons – that my husband doesn’t think I have a problem and couldn’t I just drink socially. I know – a bullshitter can’t bullshit a bullshitter, so most of you are probably chuckling pretty heartily right now.
I am finally looking into a sponsor. I’ll be going to the women’s meeting again tomorrow night – and this time I can stick around a bit after the meeting and see if anyone clicks for me. I don’t mean to be so picky but I also don’t want to make a rash decision and end up with a sponsor who is not the right fit.
Add into all of this some drama from my brother. He is finally (again) trying to get rid of the toxic ex-girlfriend. Last time he asked me to text her to leave him alone – and she did – after sending me about 60 LONG texts that were all dramatic and pessimistic etc. And of course he went back to her after some time. This time I told him I couldn’t do it. That I have too much going on in my life and I have to keep it as drama-free as I can. I hated to do that because I want him OUT Of that relationship, but I also know that my sobriety is the most important thing right now, and it had to be done.
Lastly…I decided I need a goal. My morning gym classes are all well and good, but many years ago, I ran three half marathons within a few months of each other. So I am setting my sights on one in either October or November. I started my training today and ran 3 miles in just under 30 minutes. It was hard but the more I can string together some miles, the closer I get to that goal. It will also help in any “explanations’ that might be asked of me – tonight is bunco and our group is a bunch of lushes. I will be getting there late, and my plan is to bring my own mix of sparkling waters and ask for a wine glass with ice and stick to that, refilling as needed. I want to proudly tell folks I haven’t drank in almost 2 months – which is true give or take a few screw ups.
So I guess this isn’t all gloom and doom. On separate notes, I am so going to miss Mrs. D’s blog..and also the one by “Oh for the Love of Me”. I rely on those words of wisdom. I am still up for any new email pen pals who might be interested in that. It’s nice to get a bit more personal and one-on-one outside of the blog. My email addy should be in my profile – or it is firstname.lastname@example.org. Hopefully big brother won’t delete that.
As always, thanks for listening. You really don’t have much of a choice do you 🙂 I guess you could always stop reading…but thank you for being here 🙂