Please Pass Some Cheese to Go With My Whine…

Just one of those days. Actually, the past few days I have been in an unexplainable funk. Part has to do with STILL hating my job. Part is the continual obsession over drinking. Just when I think I’m feeling strong and bulletproof, BAM…I begin the romanticizing and the “I wasn’t that bad” and have I really hit bottom and so on and so forth. As I have said before, lather, rinse, repeat.

I have missed my 5:30 AM date at the gym 3 days in a row. Part of it has been b/c of poor sleeping – my mind seems to spin a million miles a minute and I’m just not gung ho enough to go tackle a tough workout with only a few hours of sleep. And I actually think that’s smart on my part. I’m keeping up with my meetings and my readings and my “work”. And reading “real books” and napping when I can.

Today after my meeting, I started really digging into Step 2, about accepting a Higher Power and how to tap into that power. I have always believed in God/Jesus/etc so that was no stretch. But the more I did some of the exercises in my workbook, the more of a failure I felt like. And as I continued on, I got a bit weepy and needed something grounding. I saw that there was a noon meeting pretty nearby and texted three of the girls from my morning group to see if I could get any feedback on it. (Ulterior motive – if God wanted me to go, he would have someone respond). By 11:30, no one had responded, but by golly, I decided to put my big girl panties on and go.

And lo and behold, one of the girls called me which was a huge blessing in disguise because I got majorly lost and she also gave me the lowdown on actually entering the building (it was quite tricky). I was late, a first for me in going to meetings, and even worse since it was my first time at that meeting. But I just sat and listened and planned on staying quiet. Then one of the girls shared about a song – one that a good friend of mine introduced me to recently. Something about “God, take it from me”. I got goose bumps and knew I was where I was supposed to be, and actually did share that I was usually at a different meeting but I was feeling off today and just needed to be in a calm room with people “like me” and that the song reaffirmed my decision. And I keep practicing how to say “God, take it from me”

Afterwards, one of the other girls had texted me and she told me to call her if I wanted to and I did. It just helped getting a lot off of my chest about how obsessed I have been with drinking lately. That sometimes I wonder if I am doing all of this for the right reasons – that my husband doesn’t think I have a problem and couldn’t I just drink socially. I know – a bullshitter can’t bullshit a bullshitter, so most of you are probably chuckling pretty heartily right now.

I am finally looking into a sponsor. I’ll be going to the women’s meeting again tomorrow night – and this time I can stick around a bit after the meeting and see if anyone clicks for me. I don’t mean to be so picky but I also don’t want to make a rash decision and end up with a sponsor who is not the right fit.

Add into all of this some drama from my brother. He is finally (again) trying to get rid of the toxic ex-girlfriend. Last time he asked me to text her to leave him alone – and she did – after sending me about 60 LONG texts that were all dramatic and pessimistic etc. And of course he went back to her after some time. This time I told him I couldn’t do it. That I have too much going on in my life and I have to keep it as drama-free as I can. I hated to do that because I want him OUT Of that relationship, but I also know that my sobriety is the most important thing right now, and it had to be done.

Lastly…I decided I need a goal. My morning gym classes are all well and good, but many years ago, I ran three half marathons within a few months of each other. So I am setting my sights on one in either October or November. I started my training today and ran 3 miles in just under 30 minutes. It was hard but the more I can string together some miles, the closer I get to that goal. It will also help in any “explanations’ that might be asked of me – tonight is bunco and our group is a bunch of lushes. I will be getting there late, and my plan is to bring my own mix of sparkling waters and ask for a wine glass with ice and stick to that, refilling as needed. I want to proudly tell folks I haven’t drank in almost 2 months – which is true give or take a few screw ups.

So I guess this isn’t all gloom and doom. On separate notes, I am so going to miss Mrs. D’s blog..and also the one by “Oh for the Love of Me”. I rely on those words of wisdom. I am still up for any new email pen pals who might be interested in that. It’s nice to get a bit more personal and one-on-one outside of the blog. My email addy should be in my profile – or it is Hopefully big brother won’t delete that.

As always, thanks for listening. You really don’t have much of a choice do you šŸ™‚ I guess you could always stop reading…but thank you for being here šŸ™‚


4 thoughts on “Please Pass Some Cheese to Go With My Whine…

  1. Definitely not all doom and gloom! Don’t be so hard on yourself about the gym – you can’t do everything. Getting a good night’s sleep is just as important as working out. That’s what I tell myself anyway!

  2. This post made me smile from ear to ear. I am SO glad to hear that you are chugging away and that you are hitting the meetings, connecting with other sober women, and are looking for a sponsor. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am for you! It’s a wonderful journey indeed, my friend. And be gentle to yourself – you’re not SuperWoman, but you are a super woman. You’re doing the things you need to do to protect your sobriety, and that includes detaching from your brother and his girlfriend and the drama that ensues. It’s not your drama. Ever.

    Focus on what you need to do to move forward, to live life enthusiastically and to be who you were meant to be.


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