Once again, coming up on my 30 day mark, I ended up pouring wine on Day 28. And rather than face the shame of another white chip in AA, I have just avoided the meetings for the past week. I know – not the most intelligent thing in the world. But in a few of the meetings after I last posted, I felt like everything was being done so “cookie cutter” – that “one size fits all”. I understand there’s a science to it and it has worked wonders for so many…but somehow it started to just not.feel.right.
Belle may be the sweetest person EVER. After a whining email to her, she sweetly reached out to me to ask how I was doing today. This prompted me to send her back an email, of which I have done some copying/pasting to form this blog. Part of me wanted to disappear from the blogging world for awhile – but I think it’s a much better idea to get back here and share where I’m at right now and continue to read stories from others to keep myself motivated and encouraged. Right now, I’m just not feeling those things.
I am having a bit of a pity party for myself b/c I had to report in on the 100 day challenge that I was back to Day one. In the email I sent to her, I sounded like such a “whiner” – like I’m somehow different than others and I should be allowed a hall pass or something.
I do agree that it’s easier to just quit than to moderate, but in some sick, twisted way, I have just wanted to escape these past few days. There were some more run-ins with my brother, but I can’t blame him for how I choose to respond. As you would imagine, I haven’t been doing my early morning gym, and I’m quite the non-motivated one for work, so I already see the negatives once again. My poor husband is totally confused – he is incredibly supportive no matter what, and I think he was really liking the “new me.” Hell – I was really liking the “new me” and in just a few short days, I feel like I already look tired and just not as healthy as I was.
I’m trying to figure it all out. Maybe I was seeking external approval that I didn’t get – that after 60 days (give or take just a few), I expected people to tell me how great I look. The scale has remained evil (muscle weighs more than fat – it just must) and though my clothes do feel better, I was surprised that by eliminating THOUSANDS of calories each week and adding in HUNDREDS of minutes of exercise each week, there wasn’t more of a result. I know that wasn’t the main goal, but it was always on my mind.
The plus side – in the 60 days minus a few – I was NEVER drunk – just had enough to “take the edge off” – but I could see it increasing just a little bit each time. Just trying to look at the glass as half full 🙂
I do want to get back on track. I know all it takes is one day…and then two…and then slowly but surely it’s in the weeks again. And then, Praise God, maybe I’ll actually hit a freakin’ month.
My therapist and I have talked a lot about the progress vs. perfection issue that I have – I can’t seem to acknowledge the efforts I put in if they are not perfect. And part of it that aggravates me was that I was finally getting to the point where I was realizing how far I really had come, even with a few slips, but I felt that the AA group would only see my failures. Yep – the people pleaser in me. UGGGGH.
I know – this is a lot of crap to have to read. Especially with how awesome so many people are doing on the challenge. I’m disappointed in myself, I also hate feeling like I’m disappointing others. Belle is nothing but encouraging and awesome and I just wish I could reach across the miles and give her a giant hug.
I am definitely going to want to jump back in – I guess I just need to do some serious thinking of my goals/plans/steps so that I don’t set myself up for failure again.
I realy appreciated the email she sent me. It meant so much. As much as I’ve been “mad at” the people in my AA group, only one has reached out to me to see how I am, even after missing close to a week of meetings. And I RARELY missed them in the past. Silly rationalizing, I know 🙂
SO…I will be reaching out to soon to re-join the challenge. I may have to start it as a 10 day challenge to rebuild some momentum. Hell – maybe even a one day challenge each day for the first week. I just don’t have the resolve I had and I need to GET THAT BACK. I need to want it more than anything (or I guess in this case NOT want it).
I hope this somehow made sense in some way. Just know that you are all admired and respected and appreciated. And HUGE KUDOS to Belle!!! 🙂