I have rejoined the 100 Day Challenge. Honestly, I was reluctant at first because of my starts and stops and wondering if I will ever make it to 30 days continuous let alone 100. But in emailing with the awesome Belle, I WANTED to come back. There was never any pressure – on the flip side – it was all encouragement and acceptance. I did get some “homework”, but that may have been a life changing experience.
Thanks to Belle’s advice, here is my gameplan. In the beginning, my only focus is going to be on two days at a time. And each time I can string together two days, I choose a reward for myself that I ASSOCIATE as a reward for my accomplishment. The rewards are thought of in advance – something in the $5 or less range – but THAT is the reward. Not a drink, not a few drinks, but something tangible and meaningful to me. In time, the rewards will be tied to longer bits of time, but hell – I just wanna start to talk in weeks again!
My first two day stint was Wednesday and Thursday. So the reward probably should have fell on Friday, but I wanted to test the waters, literally, and I opted to take a hot bubble bath last night. This was no ordinary bubble bath. This was one that I PLANNED all day. I bought some new bath beads and a new candle while at the grocery store yesterday. My daughter asked why I bought a new candle in addition to the six I had – my response – I like how this one smells. It’s a lemongrass coriander scent, and I even have it burning as we speak, wafting loveliness into the air.
After making dinner and helping my husband clean up the kitchen, I told him I was going to take a bath. He is not the type to ever keep me from really doing what I want to anyways, but I’m telling you – if there had been any kind of alluding to my bath not happening, I was NOT going to take it. This was what to celebrate my accomplishment, and by GOD, I would get it.
It was heavenly. I lit 7 candles and turned off all the lights. I got to use ALL the hot water. I used my new lavender bath beads (Dr. Teal’s Soothe and Soak), along with some actual stuff to make bubbles. I had some coconut water/raspberry lemonade mixture in a cold stemmed glass. I just sat and soaked and let the jets make more and more bubbles. I had a book nearby, but honestly, I just wanted to do nothing. Just chill and enjoy. And be grateful.
I have also gone back to my step work for AA. I know I had some negative comments in previous posts, but I also know that I am not following the program how it is intended to be followed. Which is my Catch 22. I don’t like being told how to do something. I don’t think I’m alone in that either. Anyways, I’ve decided to bring my Woman’s Way Through The Twelve Steps Workbook to my next therapist appointment. I’d like to talk through some of it with her. I’d like to temporarily bounce things off of her until I find a sponsor. I’m going to start going to meetings again next week. I emailed someone to ask about the “protocol” with the whole chip thing, and sounds like there are no real “rules” about it. Important thing is to not drink and keep coming back.
I’m also going to start back with my early gym classes. I had planned to start today, but when I was overly tired when the alarm went off this morning, I remembered how the first week is usually accompanied by a lot of fatigue and lack of energy. I practiced self care and gave myself the extra two hours of sleep. I will get on the treadmill later today but I know that being rested is what is most important. Unfortunately, I also have an impromptu dentist appointment today for a nagging toothache that has had me in quite a bit of pain the past few days. It’s just not going to get any better so I need to do something about it.
Hmmm…how appropriate. If things are not getting better, I need to DO something about it. I need to continue to collect my tools and change my thinking.
Here is something I read in A Woman’s Way Through the Twelve Steps: “The biggest difficulty may be that we don’t see the results quickly. As addicts, our driving principle is instant gratification; we don’t want to wait, we want it now. It may be frustrating to discover that the rewards of recovery often come to us gradually, and maybe even undramatically.” Because we’re accustomed to an immediate payoff, we may feel uncomfortable if we don’t experience instant relief.”
Well – DING DING DING DING DING. That sums up the underlying theme of my last post. I know it may not seem like it, but I’m learning – I really am. Every stumble I take brings on new enlightenment. I know I’m stubborn and it’s probably frustrating to read about my slips and falls, but I’m also human. We’re all in this together and all I can be is honest – with you and with myself. Happy FRIDAY!!!!