Sometimes I don’t even want to come post when I don’t have good news to report. I wonder how many people unfollow me because they don’t want to hear about my slips. This last one was a little more than a slip…it was more of a relapse. I don’t know all the days of when and how it started, but I thought I was back on track on Mother’s Day. And then I got sadder and sadder as the day went on. And instead of accepting that sadness, I exascerbated (I think that’s the word I want) that sadness by drinking. Somehow I justified that if my husband’s cousin was coming (with his mom) and since said cousin enjoys a glass of wine or two, how can I let her drink by herself. I know…your head is shaking and your eyes are rolling. Just being honest here. So then of course I got weepy and melodramatic and lost my sparkle.
I try to replay it and I think I felt resentful that I found out at about 11 AM that they were coming for an early dinner. Now I LOVE to cook so you’d think I would look forward to this, but I’m starting to sense a pattern that I can use these resentful feelings as an excuse to let loose and do what I want.
So had to do the whole reporting in that I was back to Day One and still had a fit and start but I’m back on track. Nothing is ever for naught – we continue to grow and learn and each step we take in our journey that is in the right direction is big. So I’ve continued to self-reflect (amidst the self-abuse) and luckily I had an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday.
And then I got the dreaded text from my friend who was the one who introduced me to AA, for which I am VERY grateful. She wanted to know how I was doing and i honestly answered not the best I can, but I’m continuing to make progress. About 70 sober days out of 80 compared to what would have been about 10 in the past. It was then I was told that I NEED a sponsor. And I CAN’T do this on my own. And it’s ridiculous to think that I can MAKE UP my own program. I get it. I totally know she is coming from a place of concern and well intended. But as much as I don’t want to be treated with kid gloves, I also don’t want to feel that it’s her way or the highway.
I very politely and respectfully responded with my text that let her know that I do appreciate her concern and well intentions. But this is my journey and not hers. And the more she tells me what I MUST do and not do, the more resentful I will be. That’s not only human nature, but most likely a trait of alcoholics. I have a hard enough time with self esteem and never feeling that I’m “enough”. Even though I have had some bumps in my road, I don’t hate myself and I don’t think I’m hopeless. But her words, though I understand how she meant them, made me feel hopeless and experience some self loathing. I reminded her that the only requirement to go to AA is a desire to stop drinking. I have that. I applaud the program for the success it has had in the past with SO MANY individuals – but I also know of so many examples out here in the sobersphere who have done this without AA. I am NOT “anti-AA” – but I am slowly feeling like I am “LESS” because I don’t live up to their expectations.
So…on to more motivational things. I absolutely LOVE the Brave Girls’ Club group on Facebook and I really hope everyone will read this. These words will motivate me much more than someone telling me I can’t or I won’t. These words inspire me and make me really really think about what I want for MYSELF – not what I want for others. These words remind me that this is my fucking journey. If I am disappointing others, then I hate that, but I have to continue to dust myself off and get back on board. Each time I fail, my resolve and motivation grows.
PLEASE take the time to open the link and read the advice. I couldn’t figure out how to make it more user friendly so that it would appear in my blog.
To any whom I have disappointed, I apologize. Hopefully you can come and read my blog and applaud yourself for how well you are doing. All I know is that I’m not giving up on myself. No way Jose.