First of all, I am taking a few quick moments to post while the urges pass over. They weren’t huge and I’m sure I was being overly sensitive, but as always, the first thought to cross my mind when something goes “awry” is to drink…not tonight sisters and brothers.
I have been uber tired the past few days – a “normal” symptom of getting back into the groove I know, but my lack of energy has caused me to feel so sluggish and blah. I know that it is self care that I need, and that’s what I am lathering myself with as allows, but I do look forward to getting a kick back in my step.
Just another Thursday night. I had wrapped up work and had decided I didn’t feel like cooking dinner so I texted my husband at about 5:15 PM that this was the case. Fast forward to 5:45 PM – I had watched Food Network for a half an hour and was INSPIRED and told him we would eat about 6:30 PM. Daughter at a swim meet in the neighborhood so just the two of us.
So proud of my dinner. This cooking class I have been taking has just given me lots of confidence and ideas and a fresh new perspective on the kitchen. I decided to use the grilled steak that I made Tuesday night to make grilled steak quesadillas, along with a yummy Pineapple Salsa (with the perfect kick). Fresh grilled pineapple of course would have been the bomb, but I worked with what I had and used canned chunks of pineapple, along with diced jalapenos, diced orange pepper, diced tomatoes, fiesta corn, brown sugar, lime juice and a touch of rum flavoring. Lemme just say YUM. Served with some rice and a small salad and it was refreshing and saved money since we didn’t have to order out.
Then…my daughter texted my husband for him to bring her $5 so she could buy dinner at the swim meet. I’m sure I am just sensitive in the early stages (yet again), but it really rubbed the wrong way. Just this morning I had brought her a special treat from Starbucks and didn’t really receive a lot of thanks. She is working a LOT, especially this week, and we live in area which has a lot of teenage entitlement. I DON’T want her to be raised that way because I sure wasn’t, and I appreciate the fact that I wasn’t.
I’m sure she KNEW that I would say no…so instead she texted him because he is a bit of a pushover. I’m sure it is uber, uber hard to be a stepfather and I have no experience in that area, but sometimes I feel like we are always playing good cop/bad cop and I NEVER get to be the good cop. So I spoke up. I told him that he needs to set some boundaries with her because it’s really not fair that she goes to him for things that I wouldn’t do/give. It’s no one’s “fault” per se – we just need to work on setting up our family dynamics a bit differently.
So anyways, I pretty much had to laugh when my VERY FIRST FUCKING THOUGHT was to drink. Especially when he left to go to bring her the money. But I used my tools this time. First and foremost, I thought it through. If I drank, I wouldn’t make it to my 5:30 AM gym class tomorrow morning, and probably not to my meeting. It wouldn’t solve anything, but instead would make things worse. I would be back to yet another day one and that just ain’t in the cards. I realized it for what it was worth. Wolfie is my little toddler who wants to throw a temper tantrum (thanks Belle for the great analogy!) and tonight he did not get his candy while mama was checking out at the register. And he was a bit pissed, but each time mama tells him no, he will start to adapt and understand and perhaps maybe one day he will stop asking for the FUCKING CANDY.
Sorry for the swearing…it’s just all fresh in my mind. I have utilized a few tools tonight so I am proud of myself.
1. I thought the drink through. I really did not just think of the next 1/2 hour – I fast forwarded an entire day and convinced myself that the difference in my day tomorrow was SO NOT worth it.
2. I expressed my feelings. We talked about it. Nothing is completely resolved, but it doesn’t have to be. The discussion is in progress and I feel confident that we will all come to common ground.
3. I came here and talked to YOU guys. If my internet had been down, I would have texted a friend from AA. I just needed an outlet to air my feelings because as much as my husband WANTS to understand what I’m going through, he simply won’t. Ever. Just a fact Jack.
4. I’m about to treat myself to a hot bath with scented candles and lavender bath salts. Reward for good behavior.
I’ve decided to not post any “day counts” until I can hit a solid 30. I know what day I am on, and believe me you, you guys will KNOW when I hit that magic 30 that I have narrowly missed several times.
That’s it for now. So glad to be connected to the world again…although our internet still went out several times today as did one of our cable boxes.