Small Victory Rah Rah Rah

First of all, I am taking a few quick moments to post while the urges pass over. They weren’t huge and I’m sure I was being overly sensitive, but as always, the first thought to cross my mind when something goes “awry” is to drink…not tonight sisters and brothers.

I have been uber tired the past few days – a “normal” symptom of getting back into the groove I know, but my lack of energy has caused me to feel so sluggish and blah. I know that it is self care that I need, and that’s what I am lathering myself with as allows, but I do look forward to getting a kick back in my step.

Just another Thursday night. I had wrapped up work and had decided I didn’t feel like cooking dinner so I texted my husband at about 5:15 PM that this was the case. Fast forward to 5:45 PM – I had watched Food Network for a half an hour and was INSPIRED and told him we would eat about 6:30 PM. Daughter at a swim meet in the neighborhood so just the two of us.

So proud of my dinner. This cooking class I have been taking has just given me lots of confidence and ideas and a fresh new perspective on the kitchen. I decided to use the grilled steak that I made Tuesday night to make grilled steak quesadillas, along with a yummy Pineapple Salsa (with the perfect kick). Fresh grilled pineapple of course would have been the bomb, but I worked with what I had and used canned chunks of pineapple, along with diced jalapenos, diced orange pepper, diced tomatoes, fiesta corn, brown sugar, lime juice and a touch of rum flavoring. Lemme just say YUM. Served with some rice and a small salad and it was refreshing and saved money since we didn’t have to order out.

Then…my daughter texted my husband for him to bring her $5 so she could buy dinner at the swim meet. I’m sure I am just sensitive in the early stages (yet again), but it really rubbed the wrong way. Just this morning I had brought her a special treat from Starbucks and didn’t really receive a lot of thanks. She is working a LOT, especially this week, and we live in area which has a lot of teenage entitlement. I DON’T want her to be raised that way because I sure wasn’t, and I appreciate the fact that I wasn’t.

I’m sure she KNEW that I would say no…so instead she texted him because he is a bit of a pushover. I’m sure it is uber, uber hard to be a stepfather and I have no experience in that area, but sometimes I feel like we are always playing good cop/bad cop and I NEVER get to be the good cop. So I spoke up. I told him that he needs to set some boundaries with her because it’s really not fair that she goes to him for things that I wouldn’t do/give. It’s no one’s “fault” per se – we just need to work on setting up our family dynamics a bit differently.

So anyways, I pretty much had to laugh when my VERY FIRST FUCKING THOUGHT was to drink. Especially when he left to go to bring her the money. But I used my tools this time. First and foremost, I thought it through. If I drank, I wouldn’t make it to my 5:30 AM gym class tomorrow morning, and probably not to my meeting. It wouldn’t solve anything, but instead would make things worse. I would be back to yet another day one and that just ain’t in the cards. I realized it for what it was worth. Wolfie is my little toddler who wants to throw a temper tantrum (thanks Belle for the great analogy!) and tonight he did not get his candy while mama was checking out at the register. And he was a bit pissed, but each time mama tells him no, he will start to adapt and understand and perhaps maybe one day he will stop asking for the FUCKING CANDY.

Sorry for the swearing…it’s just all fresh in my mind. I have utilized a few tools tonight so I am proud of myself.

1. I thought the drink through. I really did not just think of the next 1/2 hour – I fast forwarded an entire day and convinced myself that the difference in my day tomorrow was SO NOT worth it.

2. I expressed my feelings. We talked about it. Nothing is completely resolved, but it doesn’t have to be. The discussion is in progress and I feel confident that we will all come to common ground.

3. I came here and talked to YOU guys. If my internet had been down, I would have texted a friend from AA. I just needed an outlet to air my feelings because as much as my husband WANTS to understand what I’m going through, he simply won’t. Ever. Just a fact Jack.

4. I’m about to treat myself to a hot bath with scented candles and lavender bath salts. Reward for good behavior.

I’ve decided to not post any “day counts” until I can hit a solid 30. I know what day I am on, and believe me you, you guys will KNOW when I hit that magic 30 that I have narrowly missed several times.

That’s it for now. So glad to be connected to the world again…although our internet still went out several times today as did one of our cable boxes.

Ciao 🙂

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6 thoughts on “Small Victory Rah Rah Rah

  1. Good stuff – get it out, don’t let it fester into full blown resentments…as we know, resentments aren’t good for us. Tonight was a little like that, in terms of my two boys not giving me the excitement and gratitude that I thought I should have gotten (I got them new clothes, put a new AC unit in their room and they got a framed picture of them with my wife as a reminder as she’s away). I was a little irked…lasted about a minute or two. Then thought, hell, they’re THREE and FIVE years old. How exciting is clothes and a picture and an AC unit to young kids? Oh dear, selfish and self centered I am again…all about me, and my applause that I wanted…lol. Goes to show that these things crop up, but it’s how we deal with them. I made them fruit salad, put on their fave shows and then later tucked in the young one. It’s all good now 🙂

    Great post – loved it.

    Paul

    • As always thank you Paul. You are so right that full blown resentments do us no good. Glad to have cleared the air in a calm non-drunk manner and esp glad that I didn’t turn to my old ways. That’s what i simply have to think about them as…my old ways. There is a new sheriff in town and wolfie better just get used to the fact that there’s no more candy for his whiny, sneaky, manipulative ass!

  2. Loved the candy/toddler perspective. Great job! I am too trying this again and I did the same thing, thought it thru thought past the half hour to the next day. I too have been missing he early morning workouts, ate crappy all at b/c I was hungover, for what? A few moments of relaxin that turns into drunk and passing out? So not worth it. Wolfe is not worth it~ also, your dinner sounded yummy!

    • Thanks Momma. I owe Belle the credit on that analogy – Tired of Thinking About Drinking is her blog if you are not familiar with her and she is AWESOME!!! Definitely not worth it. Excited about making tonight’s dinner – about to peruse the Food Network site and see what I can find. In the mood to make something “gourmetish”. 🙂 Happy Friday!

  3. Thank you MR! Sometimes I wonder if people stop reading my blog because of so many starts and stops (which I would totally understand). I have always tried to be honest – that’s all I can really do. And hope that it somehow helps one person in one tiny way. I get so much out of everything out here and feel so lucky to have found my way 🙂

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