Last night I had a really hard time sleeping, though I’m not completely sure how/why. I had taken a long relaxing bath and did some reading. We turned in at around 10 PM and I was fast asleep – and then woke up at 11:30 PM. FINALLY got back to sleep at 3 AM, and had to get up at 5 AM for the gym. Honestly, at 3 AM I considered just staying up all night so that I would be sure to go to the gym. I was very much awake and worried that with the little amount of sleep, I would be more tired. And yep – I was. WAY more tired. So I did CHOOSE to decide to skip the gym, hoping to get in a good walk today. I never did get my walk in, but I got in some good “mental” exercise, so I’m okay with it.
I went to my meeting – another great one. A lot was discussed about the whole “forcing” vs. “helping” within the AA program. It helps me as a new person to hear from the ones who have been in the program for a long time, and I do think that they appreciate my perspective, so I feel validated. Oh – when I first went in the meeting room, I heard a loud voice from the coffee room and thought it was my friend who was doing the “forcing” on me. I took a deep breath and was ready to behave like an adult if she was there. Turns out it was someone else, but I was glad I was going to be okay if she had been there. Afterwards, I was able to get a bit of one on one time with two of the ladies from the group who are about my age. It’s hard to put into words, but their encouragement was just so…encouraging. They “get me.” They know that I know what needs to be done. And *I* am the one to figure out how to keep on keeping on. They both had a really tough time at the beginning as well. When I got home, I texted them both just to thank them for listening – and to see if they might want to do lunch one day. Because I know I need to reach out more.
So…I was able to get quite a bit of work done today which is always a good thing. Had a very good call that I was dreading, and took care of some phone calls that were needed in regards to appointments/finances/etc – the stuff that has to get done that I’m REALLY good at putting off. But a lot of it is now DONE.
I decided that it was time to really start working on Step 4. Those not familiar with the AA program, it is a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves. Naming past behaviors that we are not proud of. Putting it all into writing. The point of it all (and any who are more familiar with AA than me, please feel free to chime in) is to own up to your past. Then discuss it with another person (usually your sponsor). And then put it behind you. Leave it. Those are part of the OLD me and now I am entrenched in the new me. I”m guessing that it’s okay that I talk about the steps in here. I know AA is in the spirit of anonynmity – but – someone could google AA fourth step and find the gist of what I just wrote. So hopefully I’m not breaking any rules/traditions!
I have to tell you – it has been painful to type it all out. I am already on page 10 and I still have 3 years of my life to go. It is longer because I am writing it more in a story form. Not all of it is full of terrible things – some is backstory, and some are things that actually went well which they ask you to include. The perfectionist in me says “if I’m gonna do this step, I’m gonna do it *right*”. Ha ha. And I’m sure I’m not the first alcoholic to think this way. My therapist has agreed to work the steps with me. I did talk with one of the gals who is a sponsor to express my concerns about getting a sponsor. Kind of like I’m not 100% sure of everything I’m willing to do and don’t want to waste anyone’s time. She was very helpful – there’s a fine line and it can sometimes be a bit of a Catch 22. But her input helped a lot and gave me food for thought.
So…anyways…this Step Four thing is really interesting. I truly feel like I am learning a lot about myself. I am able to distinguish exactly when I went from being a social drinker to one who would rather drink in secret. I’m analyzing my childhood to figure out if anything is relative. Once I finish it up, as hard as it’s gonna be (and I’m gonna need a two hour session), I actually look forward to sharing it all with my therapist. I seriously envision me jsut going in there and reading it start to finish. I’m sure she will take notes…and we can do follow up on specific points later. But I want to get it all out, and sooner rather than later. Some are pretty minor but worth mentioning. Nothing resulted in loss of life or home or family members. But some of them really put a lump in my throat. And sometimes I would remember something and then remember that it had happened before, in a similar manner. I’m looking forward to releasing these secrets. It’s hard doing the work, but I’m willing to do the work. That’s something I couldn’t really say a month ago, so I guess when you’re ready, you’re ready. I have a feelign that the release is gonna be mind blowing.
Whew. That’s a lot of work for one day. I am a bit on the emotionally exhausted side. Ready to go take a look at Food Network site and figure out something amazingly yummy to make for dinner tonight. Just hubby and I so I’m gonna go a little gourmetish.
I just wanted to make sure that I got this in for the day. I know that I also feel better when I share and post. Thanks for stopping by and listening. Huge hugs to you all 🙂