Back on the Grid

Yes…I have been gone…WAY longer than intended. My blissful alcohol-free vacation was amazing…and then I entered back into reality and was totally fine…for a few days. You know what happened. I don’t need to tell you. There was that *one* occasion where I figured it would be okay to just have a glass of wine, and I did. And so on, and so on, and so on.

So with my tail between my legs, I am re-entering the world of blogging and will respond to the kind emails from some of my sober pen pals who were sweet enough to recognize my absence. It truly amazes me how much I tend to ISOLATE at the exact time that I should be SEEKING HELP. I may be the only AA member who only had a sponsor for 10 days; a mutual decision on both of our parts. It feels like such a Catch 22 – until I have the alcohol out of my system for a good 30 days I’m really just not that willing to talk to anyone. But I would have to guess that talking to someone would help TO get it out of my system. When I ‘fessed up to my slip, she was quite kind and non-judgmental. Her response was basically “You’re just not ready to let the alcohol go yet.” I did make a point to go to the 8 AM meeting on the day that she received her two year chip. I was hungover as all hell, but I wanted to let her know that she means a lot to me and that I am oh so proud of all of her accomplishments.

Well, I have had enough of this bullshit and something that I am not quite ready to share has truly made me believe that I AM ready to let it go. It wasn’t anything horrible like a DUI or causing harm to someone or losing my job or my husband – but when I do become ready to share, you will surely know how it impacted me. Ironically, even after I had the discovery, I continued to drink for several days, I guess trying to figure out whether I could continue to rationalize and/or control my drinking and did I really think I was that bad. My hunch – if we even WONDER if we are “that bad”, then we are. And I don’t say bad in a way where I am putting myself down – I just think that I better understand the extent of my problem and what I need to do about it.

I remember when Belle quit drinking, she called it “Dry July” (I’m pretty sure it was her!). I have decided to take on this month as “Alcohol Free August”. Just 30 FUCKING days and then I can keep moving on to get to that illusive 100 days that I have seen so many of my awesome friends achieve, and so many who are OH SO CLOSE. I had to make a few small changes that I hope will help. I am still on Twitter (two accounts – one for recovery related stuff) and though I don’t post much, I enjoy what I read. I had to CHANGE the settings on my blog function. I had it set up to where I was getting EVERY SINGLE NEW POST AND NEW COMMENT ON EVERY BLOG I FOLLOW. When I checked AOL email this morning, I had almost 1000 emails. That would make it next to impossible to be able to see the few that were actual individual emails to ME. I still can’t seem to figure out how to get AOL mail on my phone which to me makes no sense. Still working on that which would be a huge help b/c I need to be able to reach out when I need to since I’m not always on my PC/

I’m tired of this all or nothing crap. I haven’t been to the gym in about a month – and that sucks – but THIS is the most important thing right now. That will follow. I am tired of talking to myself in a way that I would NEVER talk to others. I am ready to get on with my life and I think I am officially sick and tired of being sick and tired. I started reading “Goodbye Hangovers, Hello Life” by Jean Kirkpatrick, the founder of Women for Sobriety. Boy is it a great book. I was a little turned off by the first few chapters where she describes all of the bad things that were happening to her because of course I kept thinking “that hasn’t happened to me.” And then I would think to myself “yet.”

But then she gets into the meat and potatoes of it all and the writing is geared towards WOMEN alcoholics, though I think it is brilliant stuff for ANYONE. I still plan on starting up AA meetings again – it has been hard b/c most mornings I am either hungover or I have to wake up my daughter for work. I know – she is 16 and should be getting herself up at 8 AM – but let me cross that bridge at a later date. School starts next week, so since she leaves a little after 7:30, I can get back into that routine.

I wish I had the time to go back through and comment on all of the awesome blog posts that I read today, and I still have many more to read…but I will be more active in the future. I will get myself back into a morning routine, getting my day on track by reconnecting with so many of you who are out there who are “like me.”

As they say, it truly is one day at a time. That’s all I have to worry about is today. Perhaps I have overwhelmed myself in the past by thinking too far ahead. My longest stretch has been 28 days, and this time I am DETERMINED to beat that and then why not keep going? Life is hard, but it surely doesn’t get any easier by burying your head in a bottle.

So…as I take a deep breath, I am ready to send. I am scared because even worse than disappointing myself is disappointing others, but I just have to believe in myself. I can do this. Life is too short and I need to seize the day and get excited about tomorrow. You guys mean more to me than you will EVER know. Thank you for just being there to listen b/c I needed to get this off my chest.


20 thoughts on “Back on the Grid

  1. I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling, but I really enjoyed reading your post. I think you’re incredibly brave (and smart!) to recognize that you want to stop and to start putting things in place to help you along the way. Wishing you lots of strength along the way!

  2. It truly is one day at a time. When I dropped off at 43 it was because I was thinking too far into the future. I was afraid of reaching 100 and falling. So I put myself out of my misery at 43 days. I am now only paying attention to today and only today. I’m with you girl. . . 🙂

      • I 100% agree with Debbie on this one. I have the worst times when I think too much about the past or future, with exercise and now sobriety. Right here, right now. That’s all we’ve got. Be well. *:].

  3. I am not your mother or father so you can’t disappointment me. Besides…that’s not what I’m here for…I’m not here to judge or criticize or even scold.

    I’m here to listen, to support and to love you until you can love yourself again. So stop beating yourself up, pat yourself on the back for coming to your senses and get sober with your bad self.

    Endlell faith and support,

  4. One thing that I have learned is that we, in the recovery community, don’t shoot our wounded. I’ve been in your shoes so many times! Welcome back, and thanks for your post.

  5. So glad your trying again. I just made 32 days and it feels great, you’ll get there I’m sure. Oh and beyond that:)

  6. You are not disappointing anyone! Never feel free to share because of rejection, as we have all been there before. I am proud of you for being honest, that is a huge step. Look for an email from me soon!

  7. Girl, I was planning to drink at day 180 for me, which is 45 days away! And I’m on my second run at 180 days, so shouldn’t I be over that hump? The cravings come and go, all the time. But, I won’t drink tonight, and…tomorrow will come and I’ll realize how frail and flimsy that craving was. You just get through tonight, and then go to sleep. Tomorrow will come and then, you just get through tomorrow. I think slips are absolutely amazing lessons–my slips are what got me here, today. I KNOW that drinking ultimately just doesn’t help, or fix, or change. But, I had to try it (again) and see. I think you’re in a great place to *start letting go* of the booze. HUGS! xx

    • Isn’t it crazy how cunning and baffling this disease is? That even after we think we have it licked, the cravings continue. You are so right about slips being lessons – unfortunately this was no one day slip – I’ll be bold and call it a full fledged relapse which is much tougher to rebound from. But like you said, tomorrow is here, and I will just GET THROUGH IT without that damn booze. Huge hugs and thanks for the support!

  8. Welcome back! And, thanks so much for your honesty. Without honesty, we can never move forward. Grateful for the reminder of how easy it is to slip back into the “just one” mentality. Because, we all know, it’s never “just one.” Also, thanks for suggesting that book. Sounds like a good read! Here’s to going forward!

  9. I think that one of the differences this time around is being more honest with myself. I was reading another blog (Carrie on Sober), and she alluded to expecting derrogatory comments the “day after” and not receiving any. And that was me – I figured that if no one else was pointing out my bad behavior (except for my sister who lives 1000 miles away and sees me once a year), then I was good to go. When I finally got HONEST with myself, hopefully that will make the difference. Jean has written several books. Sadly, I think I ordered them in about 2009 or so. They have been in a box in the closet for several years and I finally opened it up the other night and just started reading. I like that she gears her writing towards the WOMAN alcoholic. I think anything we read on the topic will hit home regardless of gender, but even like with AA, somehow the language just felt odd to me. When I ordered the women’s version of the 12 steps and a guidebook, it helped tremendously. Oops. Didn’t mean to write so much and thanks so much for stopping by!

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