Oh how I remember these first few days. Day One is always the hardest, but it’s in the past, and now ALL I HAVE TO DO is not drink today. That’s it. That’s all I have to promise. You’d think that after so many Day Ones I would know how sucky they feel…the whole cycle simply amazes me how crazy it all is. But…I got a good night’s sleep last night. I woke up with that tired feeling, but not hungover – a different kind of need for sleep. I already read two chapters in my book and paid bills with today’s paycheck. I’ve completed a few small tasks for work and made a list for the day. I’ve emailed my buddy Belle to get back in the challenge. I read a few blog posts and made a few comments. I started to make a grocery list for when I go there later. Hmmmm…I probably accomplished more in the past few hours than in the past few weeks!
All joking aside, I have to really just scratch my head to figure out the “whys” of it all. Why after so many days of not drinking and feeling SO good and feeling SO proud would I ever go back to the enemy? It truly is like this god awful lover that you have to fight so hard to get rid of. They promise you so many things, but the promises are empty. Life is hard and no amount of wine will make it easier long term. Maybe it feels good for a little bit – but it is all there the next day, and then some. And once you get back into the cycle of drinking more nights than not, it just gets worse and worse.
A friend of mine sent me an email about gratitude and that is something I really need to focus on. I have SO MANY things to be thankful for and I need to do a better job of focusing on the positive. I need to wake up in the morning being grateful for not drinking the day before and asking for guidance to get through the day. Then, the evening needs to end with thanks for making it through the day.
The “AA Nazi” (as I call her) once texted me in all caps that I CANNOT JUST CREATE MY OWN PROGRAM. IT WILL NOT WORK. I think that is 100% bullshit. My thought process is that MY JOURNEY is a mixture of various programs/activities. I do enjoy the AA meetings, but I’m still not 100% all in on their complete program. I know that MANY have gotten sober from it, and I appreciate many aspects of it, but there are some pieces that I struggle with a bit and that’s okay. I think that the Women for Sobriety program is INCREDIBLY positive and empowering; there are no face to face meetings in my area, but there is plenty of literature and a great website. Obviously, the sober blogging world is a place where I can feel I can be one million percent comfortable baring my soul because you guys don’t live in my city, at least that I know of – well one of you does 🙂 I plan to do a MUCH better job of keeping in touch with my sober pen pals, and if anyone would like to be one, my email address is in my profile. There is the Bible, volunteer work, working out, and relaxation time. I need to practice self care and that is going to include some times when I am going to have to say “no” if it’s an activity that REVOLVES around alcohol.
As I’m reading what I’m writing, I realize I’ve said all this before. So what is different this time? For starters, I like that Day 1 was on August 1st. That sure makes it easier to keep track of for the first 30 days! For another, I had an awakening that made me realize that the fact that I thought my drinking really only affected me was total bullshit.
I feel like I’m back “home” and I’m so happy to be here amongst my friends. Friends who GET ME and can read my ramblings and make some sense of them because they have been there. Thanks for the kind words to welcome me back!